Thank you for reading my last post, thank you for all your kind thoughts and comments and most of all, thank you for encouraging me and loving me despite this companaion that travels uninvited along with me. Here is an update from last time, if you are keen to follow :)
Although every fibre of my being did not want to go to the doctor, I know myself and know that in avoiding doing so I would stress myself out more and eventually end up there anyway, possibly in a worse state than I was in. I bit the bullet, sucked it up (and finally got out of my pjs) and saw my GP. Poor guy, he has not seen this me yet (my doctor in Maryborough knew me well and was the first one on the trail of insisting I get some mental help) but he was really understanding and concerned. He suggested I up my meds dosage and see a psychologist. I am not too thrilled about increasing my dose, but I guess it is worth a shot and as he said, I can reduce them again in a few months once things have settled. The side effects have been a bit unpleasant, with some nausea and unexpected tears, but I feel good that there is a plan and that gives me some sense of hope and relief.
I also saw a psychologist. She is lovely. A vibrant soul, with a sincere hearty laugh. Although she does not share my faith, she knows how much I value it and is incorporating it into our sessions moving forward. One first bit of homework for her is writing a letter to God. I have started and am on page 3 already - clearly I have a lot to say. It is strange that I have never thought to do this before, because praying versus writing a letter is totally different. I feel a little nervous about writing it though, that I might say something I regret but I know God knows what I feel without me even writing a letter. So far this exercise is revealing a lot about me to me (who knew?!).
On that note, I think I will leave you. Please know that if I am aloof, or distant, it is likely my medication or my current state, which is a little detached from my mind and body. My mind wanders a lot, I feel tired much of the time, I lack focus and my concentration is shocking. I can't always find words to use but know that I have been blessed with a sense of humour and even when things get pretty wobbly, my sense of humour rescues me time and time again. Here is to laughter, even when things are tough, seeing the funny side prevails.
Love you all,
Jax
Wednesday 17 October 2018
Wednesday 10 October 2018
I.don't.want.to.
Four simple words that describe how I feel when anxiety/depression squeeze their claws into me after a while of 'smoothe sailing'. Every fibre of my being does not want to do anything, especially those things that involve getting dresssed and leaving the house. It is such a strange feeling to describe, so intense and so confusing. The desire to cry, scream, punch or just melt into a blanket all co-exist, resulting in a panic of sorts. My skin itches, I feel shaky inside and outside. The brain can't focus and the mind is in a faraway land, motivation is a distant memory and trying to do anything remotely constructive is an exhausting thought. From hindsight, I know that once I do leave the house and, say go to work, that my well-rehearsed social side will kick in and mask over the inner torment, and that I will actually have quite a pleasant time. But in the moment of trying to get out the door, or when I am not working to do anything that requires some thought, I feel myself taking deeper breaths, filling time idly with naps or searches on the internet to avoid the 'pressure' within.
If I take a step back, I can actually notice a slow decline leading to this place, this unwelcome and annoying place :the disturbed sleep, weirder dreams, the brain fog, the crankiness. In amidst prayer, avoidance, and frustration, I know that I will get through this. I have in the past, and I will again. It's just a matter of when and how long it will take...
It's okay to not be okay, but don't suffer in silence. In my case, a visit to the doctor is in order to check my meds or just have a check up - apparently they can loose their effectiveness which can result in a relapse. I don't want to go, I want to stay in my pyjamas all day and ignore this whole affair, but adulting has become a set of preconstructed steps that I need to follow (it's just in my nature - if it is on my mind now, I need to do it now for fear of forgetting or worrying more - and that my friends feeds the darkness, the worry, the feelings of inadequacy, the pretending that everything is hunky dory). I am hoping it is just a little hiccup related to some stressors that I internalise, and avoid.
So, I don't want to, but I do. That right there reminds me that somewhere inside this silent tornado, a ray of strength exists. I have adapted, acted and rehearsed many a performance to present to the world, to hide this creature within. So, now I choose to expose it and share it in hopes that someone else out there won't feel so alone or marginalised. I know where my strength comes from, and at times I forget this or downplay it, but it could be worse and I remind myself of the many blessings I have. Reason can often disappear in the depths of despair, but but remind yourself that you are strong, you are courageous and that you can get through this. Don't ignore or avoid it, speak it, get help and know that things will get better.
IT has been a while and I apologise for the 'blueness' of this post, hopefully next time, the sparklier me will be back.
Thank you for reading,
Jax
PS I just had a quick squiz at my post 'Blue Monday' and am reminded of my ostrich syndrome and that I was here earlier in the year and will climb that mountain, when my energy decides to return...
If I take a step back, I can actually notice a slow decline leading to this place, this unwelcome and annoying place :the disturbed sleep, weirder dreams, the brain fog, the crankiness. In amidst prayer, avoidance, and frustration, I know that I will get through this. I have in the past, and I will again. It's just a matter of when and how long it will take...
It's okay to not be okay, but don't suffer in silence. In my case, a visit to the doctor is in order to check my meds or just have a check up - apparently they can loose their effectiveness which can result in a relapse. I don't want to go, I want to stay in my pyjamas all day and ignore this whole affair, but adulting has become a set of preconstructed steps that I need to follow (it's just in my nature - if it is on my mind now, I need to do it now for fear of forgetting or worrying more - and that my friends feeds the darkness, the worry, the feelings of inadequacy, the pretending that everything is hunky dory). I am hoping it is just a little hiccup related to some stressors that I internalise, and avoid.
So, I don't want to, but I do. That right there reminds me that somewhere inside this silent tornado, a ray of strength exists. I have adapted, acted and rehearsed many a performance to present to the world, to hide this creature within. So, now I choose to expose it and share it in hopes that someone else out there won't feel so alone or marginalised. I know where my strength comes from, and at times I forget this or downplay it, but it could be worse and I remind myself of the many blessings I have. Reason can often disappear in the depths of despair, but but remind yourself that you are strong, you are courageous and that you can get through this. Don't ignore or avoid it, speak it, get help and know that things will get better.
IT has been a while and I apologise for the 'blueness' of this post, hopefully next time, the sparklier me will be back.
Thank you for reading,
Jax
PS I just had a quick squiz at my post 'Blue Monday' and am reminded of my ostrich syndrome and that I was here earlier in the year and will climb that mountain, when my energy decides to return...
Tuesday 14 August 2018
Driving miss Crazy.
If you told me this time last year that I would be living on the Gold Coast and commuting to Brisbane (solo) for work, I would not have believed you. Driving is not my favourite past-time, particularly longer distances and highways. I remember when I first really started noticing that my wellbeing was compromised by having to drive to work on the highway. It was probably only a 15 minute commute, but driving often scared me and more so in South Africa, where very little regard for road rules is the norm. Along with my sleeplessness (probably anxiety and fear related though I was still unaware), I wallowed in thoughts of despair and death, convinced each morning that that would be my last day, that I would inevitably have an accident and perish. The more stressed I became (teaching 29 out of 30 lessons a week does that to a person) the more compromised my thoughts were, let alone the other constant fears as a person (particularly a woman) in South Africa - rape, break ins, hijackings and muggings to name a few. My fears meshed together into a treacherous tornado, creating a traumatised, sleep deprived, angry, worried, dysfunctional person, and I used any remaining energy to hide it from the world and ignore it at a superficial level.
Jump a decade on, and here I am sitting in Brisbane (on a lunch break) at the moment, having driven here from Burleigh Heads on the Gold Coast. At least an hour's drive, on a busy highway, yet not nearly as traumatised as even last year, around this time, when I refused to drive myself from Maryborough to Bundaberg or Gympie - also about an hour in travel time(and not super keen on driving to Hervey Bay - though I did). Although I feel calmer, I do still have restless nights on the nights before my drive, but I am here, and when I was offered the part-time position (which requires me to drive 2 days per week to Brisbane) I considered it and accepted it, with a bit of trepidation, but a lot less fear than previously.
As time goes on I have been forced to face fears, often not obligingly. An example being when hubby got a new job on the Gold Coast and it came to thinking about the move, it was inevitable that I would need to drive my longest (solo)journey yet (no adult supervision hahaha)... Maryborough to the more southern end of the Gold Coast, with my daugher (7), 2 dogs (luckily sedated) and the cat (sadly not sedated and much of an out of tune yodler!) Anyhow, I digress, I was not thrilled about the 4 hour plus journey (to be honest I thought we should just sell one of our cars and that would solve my problem - not any of the challenges, but I would be smiling), but my point is that facing fears and anxiety has pretty much been a lifelong struggle for me (even when I had no idea that I was in the throes of compromised wellbeing), and what I do know is that I have coped, I have faced fears, I have made progress. It was never easy, it never occurred haphazardly, there was a lot of convincing, self-talk, mental preparation and all that exhausting, yet silent and buried internal conversations. I believe that although being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, that these struggles make us unique and for me, it has made me stronger. I remind myself of my accomplishments rather than my downfalls (of course these do come into play because I do need to be accountable for actions that are not right) and knowing that I do make progress is a constant reminder and reinforcer, that I can do it. I am also reminded though that I need to listen to my body and my mind, because sometimes I am not ready, but that is ok. Sometimes I just need a break, to clock out. And I hope that if you are in this situation that you are gentle on yourself, because we all grow in different areas, at different speeds and need extra time to recharge and regroup)
Back to my driving. I do feel a little fearful at times, but I remind myself that all I can do is pray, remain focused (on the road) and of course that my life is in the Hands of 'someone' far greater than the universe.
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
Jump a decade on, and here I am sitting in Brisbane (on a lunch break) at the moment, having driven here from Burleigh Heads on the Gold Coast. At least an hour's drive, on a busy highway, yet not nearly as traumatised as even last year, around this time, when I refused to drive myself from Maryborough to Bundaberg or Gympie - also about an hour in travel time(and not super keen on driving to Hervey Bay - though I did). Although I feel calmer, I do still have restless nights on the nights before my drive, but I am here, and when I was offered the part-time position (which requires me to drive 2 days per week to Brisbane) I considered it and accepted it, with a bit of trepidation, but a lot less fear than previously.
As time goes on I have been forced to face fears, often not obligingly. An example being when hubby got a new job on the Gold Coast and it came to thinking about the move, it was inevitable that I would need to drive my longest (solo)journey yet (no adult supervision hahaha)... Maryborough to the more southern end of the Gold Coast, with my daugher (7), 2 dogs (luckily sedated) and the cat (sadly not sedated and much of an out of tune yodler!) Anyhow, I digress, I was not thrilled about the 4 hour plus journey (to be honest I thought we should just sell one of our cars and that would solve my problem - not any of the challenges, but I would be smiling), but my point is that facing fears and anxiety has pretty much been a lifelong struggle for me (even when I had no idea that I was in the throes of compromised wellbeing), and what I do know is that I have coped, I have faced fears, I have made progress. It was never easy, it never occurred haphazardly, there was a lot of convincing, self-talk, mental preparation and all that exhausting, yet silent and buried internal conversations. I believe that although being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, that these struggles make us unique and for me, it has made me stronger. I remind myself of my accomplishments rather than my downfalls (of course these do come into play because I do need to be accountable for actions that are not right) and knowing that I do make progress is a constant reminder and reinforcer, that I can do it. I am also reminded though that I need to listen to my body and my mind, because sometimes I am not ready, but that is ok. Sometimes I just need a break, to clock out. And I hope that if you are in this situation that you are gentle on yourself, because we all grow in different areas, at different speeds and need extra time to recharge and regroup)
Back to my driving. I do feel a little fearful at times, but I remind myself that all I can do is pray, remain focused (on the road) and of course that my life is in the Hands of 'someone' far greater than the universe.
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
Wednesday 18 July 2018
Hope
Hope. Sometimes the only thing to hold onto, yet sometimes the thing we lose quite easily. I consider myself pretty hopeful, actually I consider myself many things, then along comes some sort of incident and I realise that what I thought I was and what I really am don't always correspond. Let me give you an example of a recent event that you will probably have heard about, as it received a lot of media coverage: The Thai Cave Rescue.
So 12 young boys and their coach go on trip to explore some caves, little did they expect to get stuck inside. Things were looking bleak as rescuers searched, rain continued to fall, water rose in the cavevisibility was low and then a navy seal diver lost his life to this treacherous situation. I distanced myself from the event. My first expectation was that if they did discover the boys and their coach, at least some of them, if not all, would have lost their lives. I preferred not to think about it. Then a discovery was made, the whole team was found, alive. Sadly, though, my hope did not increase. I was still afraid because the conditions seemed against the rescuers and I wasn't going to invest my heart into this situation. This was confirmed for me when an experienced navy seal diver lost his life. All hope was gone. That was until I sat in church and the pastor said that one of the mother's of the boys said that the only thing that she has to hold onto is hope. This tiny moment had a major impact on my perspective. And so I prayed. To be honest though, my prayers were a bit weak, because I still wasn't convinced that they woud rescue the whole team, if any of them. But see what I said there, 'I'. Prayer can deliver miracles. I imagine many people around the world were praying. Praying for everyone to come out alive. Little by little my hope increased as the team members slowly emerged. I was still plagued by doubt though, doubt that they would survive, that maybe upon exiting the cave, they would succumb to relief and their bodies would just shut down.
God uses moments like this in my life (and many of our lives, if we choose to reflect on it) to show us His great power. A rescue that seemed humanly impossible, that nature was fighting, that our human hearts were doubting and then against the odds, weeks after disappearing, the coach and the whole team of boys are rescued (alive), by the greatest Rescuer. I know that humans accomplished this great feat, but I know that God enabked them to and used this for His glory. Things looked worse and worse over the course of the fortnight, yet a miraculous outcome was witnessed - worldwide.
So, this is a reminder to me and to you, if you would like, not to lose hope, not to discount the power of prayer (even if it is weak) and the work of God in a world that often seems hopeless, helpless and human.Grab hold of hope. Put your hope in Him and know that no matter how dire the circumstances, He hears and answers (and yes, He does sometimes say no) but let your main hope in Jesus, because when you hope in Him, no matter what happens, your eternity is written into the glory of Heaven.
Thank you for reading. Until next time.
Love and Blessings, Jax xx
PS On a side note, if you want to continue reading, my hope was further encouraged by reading about Lazarus. Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. Yes, He had the power to prevent the death to start with, but more people came to know Jesus this way. More people came to Christ, became believers and followers of Christ than if He merely saved him (Lazarus) before he had passed away. God works in wondrous ways. Look for Him in the big and the small.
So 12 young boys and their coach go on trip to explore some caves, little did they expect to get stuck inside. Things were looking bleak as rescuers searched, rain continued to fall, water rose in the cavevisibility was low and then a navy seal diver lost his life to this treacherous situation. I distanced myself from the event. My first expectation was that if they did discover the boys and their coach, at least some of them, if not all, would have lost their lives. I preferred not to think about it. Then a discovery was made, the whole team was found, alive. Sadly, though, my hope did not increase. I was still afraid because the conditions seemed against the rescuers and I wasn't going to invest my heart into this situation. This was confirmed for me when an experienced navy seal diver lost his life. All hope was gone. That was until I sat in church and the pastor said that one of the mother's of the boys said that the only thing that she has to hold onto is hope. This tiny moment had a major impact on my perspective. And so I prayed. To be honest though, my prayers were a bit weak, because I still wasn't convinced that they woud rescue the whole team, if any of them. But see what I said there, 'I'. Prayer can deliver miracles. I imagine many people around the world were praying. Praying for everyone to come out alive. Little by little my hope increased as the team members slowly emerged. I was still plagued by doubt though, doubt that they would survive, that maybe upon exiting the cave, they would succumb to relief and their bodies would just shut down.
God uses moments like this in my life (and many of our lives, if we choose to reflect on it) to show us His great power. A rescue that seemed humanly impossible, that nature was fighting, that our human hearts were doubting and then against the odds, weeks after disappearing, the coach and the whole team of boys are rescued (alive), by the greatest Rescuer. I know that humans accomplished this great feat, but I know that God enabked them to and used this for His glory. Things looked worse and worse over the course of the fortnight, yet a miraculous outcome was witnessed - worldwide.
So, this is a reminder to me and to you, if you would like, not to lose hope, not to discount the power of prayer (even if it is weak) and the work of God in a world that often seems hopeless, helpless and human.Grab hold of hope. Put your hope in Him and know that no matter how dire the circumstances, He hears and answers (and yes, He does sometimes say no) but let your main hope in Jesus, because when you hope in Him, no matter what happens, your eternity is written into the glory of Heaven.
Thank you for reading. Until next time.
Love and Blessings, Jax xx
PS On a side note, if you want to continue reading, my hope was further encouraged by reading about Lazarus. Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. Yes, He had the power to prevent the death to start with, but more people came to know Jesus this way. More people came to Christ, became believers and followers of Christ than if He merely saved him (Lazarus) before he had passed away. God works in wondrous ways. Look for Him in the big and the small.
Tuesday 5 June 2018
Hide 'n seek with happiness
People who know me may find it difficult to believe that I am an introvert, an introvert with an outgoing personality. This is a bit of an anomaly, you could say. We often think of introverts as shy, but this isn't necessarily the case, it's just us group of people who get re-energised better alone, people who need alone time to refuel and recharge.
(Here is the link if you would like to find your personality trait, this is just a short one, there are more extensive ones, so if this interests you a great deal then be sure to do a few and see if they match up and what it says about you :) https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
It does not mean we are anti-social, sociopaths or snobs; we really just need time to recover from being with people, even if we had an awesome time. It has nothing to do with the other people, it is just how we were created. For me, I know this is particularly true as I am outgoing and when I did a recent strength 'test', humour came out as my top strength (this may explain my sometimes inappropraite oubursts of laughter, one: because I see humour in many areas in life or two: because the absolute disbelief of something sometimes makes me laugh). So bringing these two things together can be a bit conflicting and confusing.
(Click here if you want to find out your strengths http://www.viacharacter.org/www/Character-Strengths-Survey - yes, it is quite long but worth it - now choose one of your top 6 and use it every day for one week :))
So, why am I telling you this? Well, you would think that not working and being home alone would be just up my alley, but quite the contrary. More than the 'needing a job' (well an income) aspect, or needing a purpose, it is that social interaction is important for most of us and according to the online course I am busy doing ' The Science of Wellbeing' https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being/home/welcome it actually contributes to making us happier. According to studies, what we think we want and what we should want or even need, often don't match up.
Recently I accepted an offer of part-time work and just that act of having a stable place to go, with lovely colleagues and students has exponentially increased the spring in my step. And so I know that I need alone time, but I am also reminded that social connection is important, even for me as an introvert. So what is my plan, well apart from recommending the amazing online course (you can do it for free - the link is in the previous paragraph) start savouring those social interactions both with people you know and (surprisingly) with those you don't, like while you sit in the train carriage, wait in line for your coffee, and other opportunities.
Moving was hard, but finding a church family, being offered some part-time contract work (with great kids and colleagues), being friendly and just going with circumstances has really helped me. Yes I still battle bouts of anxiety, yes I still stress, but I do this less and less. This course and most importantly my faith (and God's answers to prayer) have created a deeper contentment in me.
So here is to forcing myself to socialise a bit more (yes hubby, a little bit, this does not mean I am going to be 'peopling' all the time, mama still needs quiet thoughts time...just in case he thought he should jam pack our weekends), to savour moments more and to actually put into practice some of the examples from the coursera course.
On that note, I would also like to thank God for answered prayer. For providing me with a job, even though it is only a contract, only He is to thank for this opportunity...although I have been sick for a week and booked off work (much to my dismay, but I am taking it in my stride, because Jax 4.0 can't control germs and so I am simply listening to my body, listening to the doctor and using my time to grow my mind and spend time with God)
Thank you for reading you beautiful people.
Blessings,
Jax 4.0
(Here is the link if you would like to find your personality trait, this is just a short one, there are more extensive ones, so if this interests you a great deal then be sure to do a few and see if they match up and what it says about you :) https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
It does not mean we are anti-social, sociopaths or snobs; we really just need time to recover from being with people, even if we had an awesome time. It has nothing to do with the other people, it is just how we were created. For me, I know this is particularly true as I am outgoing and when I did a recent strength 'test', humour came out as my top strength (this may explain my sometimes inappropraite oubursts of laughter, one: because I see humour in many areas in life or two: because the absolute disbelief of something sometimes makes me laugh). So bringing these two things together can be a bit conflicting and confusing.
(Click here if you want to find out your strengths http://www.viacharacter.org/www/Character-Strengths-Survey - yes, it is quite long but worth it - now choose one of your top 6 and use it every day for one week :))
So, why am I telling you this? Well, you would think that not working and being home alone would be just up my alley, but quite the contrary. More than the 'needing a job' (well an income) aspect, or needing a purpose, it is that social interaction is important for most of us and according to the online course I am busy doing ' The Science of Wellbeing' https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being/home/welcome it actually contributes to making us happier. According to studies, what we think we want and what we should want or even need, often don't match up.
Recently I accepted an offer of part-time work and just that act of having a stable place to go, with lovely colleagues and students has exponentially increased the spring in my step. And so I know that I need alone time, but I am also reminded that social connection is important, even for me as an introvert. So what is my plan, well apart from recommending the amazing online course (you can do it for free - the link is in the previous paragraph) start savouring those social interactions both with people you know and (surprisingly) with those you don't, like while you sit in the train carriage, wait in line for your coffee, and other opportunities.
Moving was hard, but finding a church family, being offered some part-time contract work (with great kids and colleagues), being friendly and just going with circumstances has really helped me. Yes I still battle bouts of anxiety, yes I still stress, but I do this less and less. This course and most importantly my faith (and God's answers to prayer) have created a deeper contentment in me.
So here is to forcing myself to socialise a bit more (yes hubby, a little bit, this does not mean I am going to be 'peopling' all the time, mama still needs quiet thoughts time...just in case he thought he should jam pack our weekends), to savour moments more and to actually put into practice some of the examples from the coursera course.
On that note, I would also like to thank God for answered prayer. For providing me with a job, even though it is only a contract, only He is to thank for this opportunity...although I have been sick for a week and booked off work (much to my dismay, but I am taking it in my stride, because Jax 4.0 can't control germs and so I am simply listening to my body, listening to the doctor and using my time to grow my mind and spend time with God)
Thank you for reading you beautiful people.
Blessings,
Jax 4.0
Tuesday 15 May 2018
Forty part 2
Today marks one month of forty-ness. I am still finding my forties, but what I can say is that I am quite enjoying the updated version of myself, 'Jax 4.0' as I like to call it. So what does Jax 4.0 mean? I am still figuring this out as I go along, but at this stage it means the relaxed, chilled, go-with-the-flow version of me. It doesn't mean not having an opinion, but more so about not stressing about things out of my control, doing the best I can with the circumstances I face and enjoying this one life I have been blessed with. Instead of getting frustrated, I will be aim to be more peaceful, calm and friendly. I notice more and more how apologetic people are when there are long waits and I imagine that sometimes these folks get some irate customers yelling at them for things they are unable to control. So my pledge is simply this for now, that when I can't control the circumstances, be it long queues, or whatever, that I embrace it. The world has enough negativity and nastiness, than for me to add to it and blame myself or others for things out of my/their control. Obviously, I will be reasonable, I do value justice, but when it simply means being friendly or polite, considering others and showing compassion and kindness, these are the areas I hope to work on and improve upon in my forties. That does not mean the sass is gone, it just means that I will try leave more positve footprints on my daily journeys and hopefully these footprints will step into the hearts and lives of those who need a laugh, some love and a whole lotta charisma. In general, I am pretty positive, but I did let stress get a hold of my attitude, and this was never helpful for my mental health (which, if you have read my previous posts, you will agree that it was not helpful for me and anyone really).
We have been blessed with one life, we have been gifted talents and we have been given this beautiful world, so please join with me in enjoying it. There will be tough times, but help me as I embrace positivity, joy, laughter and love, show gratitude, be kind and try make other people's day better rather than worse.
Thank you for reading
Jax 4.0.
We have been blessed with one life, we have been gifted talents and we have been given this beautiful world, so please join with me in enjoying it. There will be tough times, but help me as I embrace positivity, joy, laughter and love, show gratitude, be kind and try make other people's day better rather than worse.
Thank you for reading
Jax 4.0.
Wednesday 2 May 2018
What the forty part 1
Less than a week ago I entered my forties, and to be honest I do not know where the time went. I have memories of highschool like they were yesterday, back when I thought 30 was ancient, yet now I am 40 and certainly don't feel ancient (maybe just a little less agile). 'Round-number' birthdays are considered 'big ones' and I suppose with that label, I have felt the urge to reflect on the past 10 years of my life.
My 30th birthday was celebrated in my country of birth South Africa. We were in the process of applying to move to Australia. We were desperate to become parents despite two unsuccessful rounds of IVF, owned our own home, had secure jobs and family close by. Despite some of the hurdles, we were mostly settled before deciding that we wanted to relocate to a new country.
Anyway, I digress. We have now been in Australia for almost a decade and they have certainly been a busy 10 years. We were blessed with our daughter who is now 7, I have experienced a variety of eductional settings, which I believe contribute to my understanding and empathy for our young people. Furthermore, I completed a Master of Education focusing on School Guidance and Counselling. When I write these things down, I feel somewhat better about where I am. I had this notion that by 40 I should have life figured out. We would own a home, I would be in my perfect profession and I would be pretty confident at this whole adulting thing.
As I look at these expectations, I see that I put a lot of pressure on myself (I think most of us are guilty of this) and then feel like a failure for the things I have not achieved. But then I look at the enriching life experiences I have been blessed with and realise that by God's grace, I have achieved much. I don't suppose I will ever confidently 'adult', but I certainly will take more notice of the things that have brought me to where I am. 30's certainly overflowed with blessings and experiences. Some were difficult, like leaving family and friends to move to another country, facing mental health struggles and more, but overall I can say that for the most part 30's helped me grow into present day me (Jacqui 4.0 hahaha).
30's helped me learn more about the world, it helped me realise how little I do know and how much I still have to learn. Mostly though it taught me that it's ok not to have everything figured out, not to have achieved every goal ever set. It helped me realise that life is more than a set of goals, but the journey we take from start to finish. I was a bit hard on myself initally, thinking that by 40 I should have done this, that and the other. But when I look back on the places I have visited, friends I have made, experiences I have had, they have been wonderful and rich and once again I am reminded how blessed I am, how much I have to be grateful for and that there is more to life than a set of goals. Goals are good, but I won't let them define me or let the lack of reaching them all make me feel inadequate. Here is to 'Fearless' 40, I am still job hunting and hoping to own my own home, but for now I celebrate the last 10 years and remind myself of the bigger picture - I have learnt more, grown more and lived more. Let's be kinder to ourselves. Here's to the next 40 (kaa-ching of champagne glasses).
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
My 30th birthday was celebrated in my country of birth South Africa. We were in the process of applying to move to Australia. We were desperate to become parents despite two unsuccessful rounds of IVF, owned our own home, had secure jobs and family close by. Despite some of the hurdles, we were mostly settled before deciding that we wanted to relocate to a new country.
Anyway, I digress. We have now been in Australia for almost a decade and they have certainly been a busy 10 years. We were blessed with our daughter who is now 7, I have experienced a variety of eductional settings, which I believe contribute to my understanding and empathy for our young people. Furthermore, I completed a Master of Education focusing on School Guidance and Counselling. When I write these things down, I feel somewhat better about where I am. I had this notion that by 40 I should have life figured out. We would own a home, I would be in my perfect profession and I would be pretty confident at this whole adulting thing.
As I look at these expectations, I see that I put a lot of pressure on myself (I think most of us are guilty of this) and then feel like a failure for the things I have not achieved. But then I look at the enriching life experiences I have been blessed with and realise that by God's grace, I have achieved much. I don't suppose I will ever confidently 'adult', but I certainly will take more notice of the things that have brought me to where I am. 30's certainly overflowed with blessings and experiences. Some were difficult, like leaving family and friends to move to another country, facing mental health struggles and more, but overall I can say that for the most part 30's helped me grow into present day me (Jacqui 4.0 hahaha).
30's helped me learn more about the world, it helped me realise how little I do know and how much I still have to learn. Mostly though it taught me that it's ok not to have everything figured out, not to have achieved every goal ever set. It helped me realise that life is more than a set of goals, but the journey we take from start to finish. I was a bit hard on myself initally, thinking that by 40 I should have done this, that and the other. But when I look back on the places I have visited, friends I have made, experiences I have had, they have been wonderful and rich and once again I am reminded how blessed I am, how much I have to be grateful for and that there is more to life than a set of goals. Goals are good, but I won't let them define me or let the lack of reaching them all make me feel inadequate. Here is to 'Fearless' 40, I am still job hunting and hoping to own my own home, but for now I celebrate the last 10 years and remind myself of the bigger picture - I have learnt more, grown more and lived more. Let's be kinder to ourselves. Here's to the next 40 (kaa-ching of champagne glasses).
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
Friday 6 April 2018
Courageously kind
I have encountered a few people on this journey of life who consider kindness a weakness, an act of of cowardice and submission. Over the years it has given me much to ponder upon. In a world of suffering, pain, dread, despair, death, acts of violence and so the list goes on, we tend to feel the need to stand up for our rights, even if it means anger, aggression and dominance, just to make a point. This has led me to reflect on my own views, responses and reactions. Cultivating kindness is not easy, not for me anyway. I was of the impression that I am generally quite kind, but recently, this was challenged by a very inspiring talk I attended and it made me reflect more deeply on the true essence of kindness.
Randon Acts of Kindness are much talked about, paying it forward and just generally being a harmonious person could be considered kindness, but do I actively seek out being kind? As a teacher I have found that I respond to my students with compassion and kindness, as a human I am generally pretty nice, but where would this put me on the kindness scale, were there such a thing? I love the idea of acts of kindness and by no means think we should dismiss or stop it, quite the contrary, I think we should actively seek opportunities to be kind frequently. But more than this, the talk I went to challenged me and reminded me once again of my belief that kindness is not weakness. It is strength, it is courage, it is downright scary bravery. Dictionary defintions of kindness include being friendly, generous and considerate, but this hardly does the word any justice. I think most of us fit this loose kindness mould. So what was so challenging? Well, kindness should be something that pushes us out of our comfort zone, something we show to all people, not just those we like or like us back or can benefit us. Nope, we should be kind to everyone, to those who we dislike, to those who dislike us and even those who threaten our lives, families, homes, religion, culture, gender. Basically, it includes loving our enemies and more so, we should go out of our way to show them goodness, without expecting anything back. No expectations of rewards, acknowledgement, just sincere, unselfish kindness. This is kindness in it's raw, extreme form. Genuine, unconditional, no strings attached. Kindness goes beyond the confines of expectations, it is a serious choice, a choice to defy what society says, even to defy our own harsh opinions, our own hurts and resentments and those things that threaten us. To be kind is to rise above and this kind of rising is not easy. Not at all.
Our society is riddled with hostility, intolerance, selfishness, violence and entitlement. I don't know about you, but I have let these harsh realities influence my perspectives and interactions with the world. I choose kindness, but I choose it on my terms. I choose who I want to be kind to. The talk I attended challenged me, because it urged me to see that kindness is meant to be unconventional, courageous and extreme. It's about keeping on being kind, even when people don't change, it's about loving those considered 'unloveable' and not being brainwashed by the media or negative influences surrounding us. Being kind is about looking at the bigger picture; beyond my little bubble. It is selfless, accepting and non-judgmental. This talk on kindness by Robyn Bain challenged me even more as a Christian. She reminded me that the more I know God's kindness, the more I can truly understand my application of it in a world that concerns itself more with justice than gentleness. It is up to me to seek out God's kindness to me. I am loved, despite having been an enemy of Jesus, He proactively and unconditionally loves me. This extreme kindness is what I want to aspire to. I feel convicted of my 'shallow' view of kindness, kindness that has clauses and fineprint.
This inspiration is a timely reminder that I need to take myself out of the picture and put the world before me into the shot. Do to others as you would have them do to you, even if you know they won't. It is not about justice or acknowledgement. Kindness disarms. Kindness is universal, it speaks all languages, extends over all generations, cultures, genders, nationalities. Don't let anyone tell you that kindness is a sign of weakness. It is actually a sign of great strength, and even more so when our world is threatened, yet we continue to choose kindness.
Join me in the challenge to fully know kindness, to understand true kindness and to show kindness without limits. Hold me accountable.
If you are interested in reading more about kindness in the Bible may I encourage you to read Luke chapter 6 verse 27 -36 and Romans 5 verse 6 -10.
The verses are below:
Love for Enemies (Luke chapter 6 verse 27 -36)
27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
God has been kind first - Romans 5:6-10
6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
Sunday 18 March 2018
Listen to the call
The other day Stephen Hawking (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Hawking) passed away at the age of 76. Before I heard this news I was feeling a little down because I was not successful in a job interview I had had the previous day. A strange thing happened though, when I read of Stephen's passing, my sadness changed course. The job seemed somewhat irrelevant at that moment, because his death reminded me of something so much more important.
Stephen Hawking, despite his illness, made significant contributions to the world. His knowledge and abilities were not restricted by his failing body. Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with A.L.S (a motor neurone disease https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amyotrophic_lateral_sclerosis) at the age of 21. Although it was a slow onset, to live another 55 years after this diagnosis is quite a miracle, considering doctor's said once he was diagnosed, his life expectancy would only be about two years. Stephen Hawking did not let his disability restrict his ability and that is praiseworthy, that in the face of adversity, this man made remarkable contributions to the world of science and advancement.
So, what saddened me? If you do not share my faith, you may want to stop reading here, but I encourage to read a little further, to see why I felt a sense of heartache for this man, and mankind. In life, he was a role-model, someone who lived with purpose, who did not let an illness control him. We can learn so much from this attitude in our own lives. But, and this is what saddened me, is that Stephen Hawking is an atheist. Please don't get me wrong, we all have our beliefs, but recently my devotions have been looking at ideas relating to this, to how God calls upon, and we can choose to follow or ignore Him. Freedom of choice. This is something we are given by God, but there is a consequence after we die if we choose not to. Until recently I was a bit disconnected from God. If you read some of my previous posts you would see that a few things contributed to this disconnection. That aside, moving and being jobless has had its advantages, the advantage of restoring my relationship with God and Jesus. Faith cannot be seen, but if you feel some sort of emptiness or your soul quenching for more, please look into it before just disregarding God.
To live with purpose is more than just overcoming adversity, well for me any way. My belief is that God calls upon each of us. Sometimes we have a whole lifetime to heed the call and follow. Stephen Hawking, a great scientist, not only did not believe, but was even of the impression that he and the world do not need God. Has he seen this world? His length of life in itself is a miracle. We do not know what happened in his final days or on his death bed. But, what we do get here is a lesson. Now is the time. What do you believe? Can I urge you that before you discredit God that you really search for Him. Make sure for yourself. Ask Christian friends, read a Bible, learn about Jesus. We all have a choice about whether we submit to Jesus or not, but if we choose not to, our eternal life after death will not be one of rejoicing.
Life is full of lessons, opportunities and blessings. My prayer for you is that if you got this far, if you are questioning faith or God, that you really seek Him and that you can enjoy life eternal in rejoicing and perfection. The world is a mess. And I know we question God and His presence and why He lets things happen. One blog post is not enough to go into all that. But if you trust, if you submit and believe in Jesus, the answers become clear. Life doesn't make sense, doesn't go according to plan, but there is one certain. All I am saying is try it, not half-heartedly, but invest in it, like you do your favourite TV show. Learn as much as you can and then decide. You never know what you will discover, at least give it a go. Professor Hawking saw no need or evidence of God, because of laws of science and physics, but it pains me to think that the potential beauty of human nature comes down to physics. What if heaven isn't a fairy story, as he suggests. Say it is real. Listen to the voice in your soul. Respond to the call. Stephen was gifted over 50 years of opportunities to see life goes beyong science. Yes, the world is messed up, but there is so much beauty in creation, in human beings, in life, that a mere 'Big Bang', an event of chance created me is not enough to explain the indescribable world we live in. You don't know when your future on earth will end. Professor Hawking was gifted with more years than medical experts or he expected. I can't put that down to science or medicine alone. Please, don't ignore that yearning you may feel within. Whether you sort of beleve or don't believe at all, give it some thought, rather than just accepting.
Stephen Hawking, we thank you for changing our world, our persepctives and teaching us to perservere in all circumstances, but not to be limited. Be limitless. Take time to explore all avenues. May you find hope in darkness. May Jesus reveal Himself to you.
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jacqui.
To live with purpose is more than just overcoming adversity, well for me any way. My belief is that God calls upon each of us. Sometimes we have a whole lifetime to heed the call and follow. Stephen Hawking, a great scientist, not only did not believe, but was even of the impression that he and the world do not need God. Has he seen this world? His length of life in itself is a miracle. We do not know what happened in his final days or on his death bed. But, what we do get here is a lesson. Now is the time. What do you believe? Can I urge you that before you discredit God that you really search for Him. Make sure for yourself. Ask Christian friends, read a Bible, learn about Jesus. We all have a choice about whether we submit to Jesus or not, but if we choose not to, our eternal life after death will not be one of rejoicing.
Life is full of lessons, opportunities and blessings. My prayer for you is that if you got this far, if you are questioning faith or God, that you really seek Him and that you can enjoy life eternal in rejoicing and perfection. The world is a mess. And I know we question God and His presence and why He lets things happen. One blog post is not enough to go into all that. But if you trust, if you submit and believe in Jesus, the answers become clear. Life doesn't make sense, doesn't go according to plan, but there is one certain. All I am saying is try it, not half-heartedly, but invest in it, like you do your favourite TV show. Learn as much as you can and then decide. You never know what you will discover, at least give it a go. Professor Hawking saw no need or evidence of God, because of laws of science and physics, but it pains me to think that the potential beauty of human nature comes down to physics. What if heaven isn't a fairy story, as he suggests. Say it is real. Listen to the voice in your soul. Respond to the call. Stephen was gifted over 50 years of opportunities to see life goes beyong science. Yes, the world is messed up, but there is so much beauty in creation, in human beings, in life, that a mere 'Big Bang', an event of chance created me is not enough to explain the indescribable world we live in. You don't know when your future on earth will end. Professor Hawking was gifted with more years than medical experts or he expected. I can't put that down to science or medicine alone. Please, don't ignore that yearning you may feel within. Whether you sort of beleve or don't believe at all, give it some thought, rather than just accepting.
Stephen Hawking, we thank you for changing our world, our persepctives and teaching us to perservere in all circumstances, but not to be limited. Be limitless. Take time to explore all avenues. May you find hope in darkness. May Jesus reveal Himself to you.
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jacqui.
Thursday 22 February 2018
Made strong in struggles
A sincere and heartfelt thank you to all your positive, encouraging and loving messages on my previous post. Your beauty on my life's journey is just one of the precious treasures that gives me hope each day, and I really do appreciate your kindness when things around me sometimes seem as if they are falling apart. Exposing vulnerability is never easy, and so I thank you for supporting and loving on me.
I am pretty good at hiding who I really am. I am able to manage my symptoms quite well, but I am also really good at veiling my true emotions from the world. They're there but hidden, for fear that people won't like the unveiled version of me. High fucntioning anxiety is an actual term that I relate to, this veil helps me separate myself and avoid the reality of the truth sometimes. This is a daily reality for me, yes some days are good and some not so good, but once you have opened up, the last thing you want is to sound like a broken record, replaying the same old tune repetitively. I don't want to be a burden, and although each day may resemble previous days, saying the same thing day after day is social suicide.In saying this though, what I do know is that God hears my prayers and struggles every day. He doesn't grow tired of the repetitive tune of my voice, instead, He has reminded of so much more. One way us 'high functioning' worriers avoid the waves of fear and doubt is by keeping busy. I still experience these emotions, but had other things to occupy my day with. Since moving and not working, I have too much time, and empty time is not a helpful place to be. I am not one that loves housework and I really need to get a hobby, but in saying that I spend more time stressing that I need to work as we need two incomes, especially here, where rent is higher among other things. I have however used this time to reconnect with God and this is a definite highlight in my lonely hours at home.
I know that for some, mental health challenges are so much more challenging and I am 'lucky' that I am able to manage and cope, even if it is with much convincing (myself). I believe that my strength to face the day comes from God. And even when I have neglected to see this or to feel His presence, He was there sustaining me. I used to think that struggling with fear, anxiety and waves of depression or anger showed my lack of committment to God, that I am lacking in faith and less of a 'Christian' than my Christian friends. Let's be honest, as a believer, regular spiritual check ups are important. I allowed my anxiety to control me, it prevented me from connecting with God. My relationship with Him was strained all because of my doubts about myself. I allowed the evil one to make me feel unworthy of God's love and grace. I have been connecting a lot more with God since moving here, and after reading one of Paul's accounts where he prays for God to take away a health issue he is struggling with. God does not. Not because God doesn't care, not because God doesn't heal or answer prayers, but rather, our weaknesses are a great reminder of our reliance on God. God responds to Paul (2 Corinthians 12v9) by saying 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in wekaness'. Basically, we need to use our weaknesses to remember God because our spiritual health is the most important heath there is. So, in saying that I am trusting in God's purpose. Paul prayed for healing and although he did not receive that, he received things far greater, far greater than earthly healing. He received grace, a stronger character, humility and increased empathy. So although I may not always understand this 'inconvenience' and it weakens me physically and mentally, it no longer weakens me spiritually. It has taken me a very long time to come to this realisation and I thank God for revealing this to me.
Although being at home and a little out of sorts, it has been for a reason. This week I had some work and I thank God for that. Monday I came to God, with my very real fears and weaknesses. Each morning I have woken up and wondered if I might get a call for a day of relief teaching. I will my phone not to ring, yet I need to work. That anticipation is just so much more than I can handle, and struggling with the things I struggle with, I am a bit of a nervous wreck. So, I prayed. I have been praying a lot more, but on Monday I was vulnerable and prayed for specific things. I have been praying for a permanent job, a place where God wants me to be, but in the meantime I am happy to do some relief teaching. Firstly I prayed that I would have work this week, secondly I prayed that it would be at hubby's school and thirdly, a very hard prayer for this one, was that I would be notified the day before. Monday evening, I got a phonecall from the man who organises relief teachers at hubby's school for work the next day. Talk about answer to prayer - He cares for me even in the little things. Maybe you don't share my beliefs, but for me this is very real and I have witnessed many answers to prayer. strength in situations that probably could have destroyed me and the opportunity to listen and trust God more than I have in recent months.
I feel more secure in my mental health journey. I feel that I can share it more openly with others, I feel that it isn't a reflection on my faith unless I allow it to be (or allow the evil one to cast doubt and judgement on me). Paul's circumstances were really harsh from jail time, attacks, shipwrecks and his health, but he got his strength from God. I know that Jesus did not come to take challenges away, but rather to change us on the inside and to empower us to deal with struggles from God's perspective, to use these struggles to deepen our faith.
Hindsight and the fact that it seems my anxiety is genetic, I am sure this 'dark passenger' will continue to travel with me, but I will look at it differently now and when I forget, please remind me of this post.
Thank you again for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
I am pretty good at hiding who I really am. I am able to manage my symptoms quite well, but I am also really good at veiling my true emotions from the world. They're there but hidden, for fear that people won't like the unveiled version of me. High fucntioning anxiety is an actual term that I relate to, this veil helps me separate myself and avoid the reality of the truth sometimes. This is a daily reality for me, yes some days are good and some not so good, but once you have opened up, the last thing you want is to sound like a broken record, replaying the same old tune repetitively. I don't want to be a burden, and although each day may resemble previous days, saying the same thing day after day is social suicide.In saying this though, what I do know is that God hears my prayers and struggles every day. He doesn't grow tired of the repetitive tune of my voice, instead, He has reminded of so much more. One way us 'high functioning' worriers avoid the waves of fear and doubt is by keeping busy. I still experience these emotions, but had other things to occupy my day with. Since moving and not working, I have too much time, and empty time is not a helpful place to be. I am not one that loves housework and I really need to get a hobby, but in saying that I spend more time stressing that I need to work as we need two incomes, especially here, where rent is higher among other things. I have however used this time to reconnect with God and this is a definite highlight in my lonely hours at home.
I know that for some, mental health challenges are so much more challenging and I am 'lucky' that I am able to manage and cope, even if it is with much convincing (myself). I believe that my strength to face the day comes from God. And even when I have neglected to see this or to feel His presence, He was there sustaining me. I used to think that struggling with fear, anxiety and waves of depression or anger showed my lack of committment to God, that I am lacking in faith and less of a 'Christian' than my Christian friends. Let's be honest, as a believer, regular spiritual check ups are important. I allowed my anxiety to control me, it prevented me from connecting with God. My relationship with Him was strained all because of my doubts about myself. I allowed the evil one to make me feel unworthy of God's love and grace. I have been connecting a lot more with God since moving here, and after reading one of Paul's accounts where he prays for God to take away a health issue he is struggling with. God does not. Not because God doesn't care, not because God doesn't heal or answer prayers, but rather, our weaknesses are a great reminder of our reliance on God. God responds to Paul (2 Corinthians 12v9) by saying 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in wekaness'. Basically, we need to use our weaknesses to remember God because our spiritual health is the most important heath there is. So, in saying that I am trusting in God's purpose. Paul prayed for healing and although he did not receive that, he received things far greater, far greater than earthly healing. He received grace, a stronger character, humility and increased empathy. So although I may not always understand this 'inconvenience' and it weakens me physically and mentally, it no longer weakens me spiritually. It has taken me a very long time to come to this realisation and I thank God for revealing this to me.
Although being at home and a little out of sorts, it has been for a reason. This week I had some work and I thank God for that. Monday I came to God, with my very real fears and weaknesses. Each morning I have woken up and wondered if I might get a call for a day of relief teaching. I will my phone not to ring, yet I need to work. That anticipation is just so much more than I can handle, and struggling with the things I struggle with, I am a bit of a nervous wreck. So, I prayed. I have been praying a lot more, but on Monday I was vulnerable and prayed for specific things. I have been praying for a permanent job, a place where God wants me to be, but in the meantime I am happy to do some relief teaching. Firstly I prayed that I would have work this week, secondly I prayed that it would be at hubby's school and thirdly, a very hard prayer for this one, was that I would be notified the day before. Monday evening, I got a phonecall from the man who organises relief teachers at hubby's school for work the next day. Talk about answer to prayer - He cares for me even in the little things. Maybe you don't share my beliefs, but for me this is very real and I have witnessed many answers to prayer. strength in situations that probably could have destroyed me and the opportunity to listen and trust God more than I have in recent months.
I feel more secure in my mental health journey. I feel that I can share it more openly with others, I feel that it isn't a reflection on my faith unless I allow it to be (or allow the evil one to cast doubt and judgement on me). Paul's circumstances were really harsh from jail time, attacks, shipwrecks and his health, but he got his strength from God. I know that Jesus did not come to take challenges away, but rather to change us on the inside and to empower us to deal with struggles from God's perspective, to use these struggles to deepen our faith.
Hindsight and the fact that it seems my anxiety is genetic, I am sure this 'dark passenger' will continue to travel with me, but I will look at it differently now and when I forget, please remind me of this post.
Thank you again for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
Thursday 8 February 2018
Blue Monday
Ironically, after my last post (about perspective), I had a terrible day of dread, despair and darkness. I wish I could explain to you the feeling I woke with. Apart from the throbbing headache, my brain felt cloudy and distant. The trouble with days like these, is that they arrive unannounced. Though in saying that, I am pretty good at noticing the warning signs and then ignoring them, bit like an ostrich really, hide your head in the sand and all will disappear.
I have always been a fearful person, too much so probably. I am afraid of death/injury, of a loved one dying/being harmed, driving over bridges, of all sorts random of things. Sadly fear has dominated much of my life in one way or another. I just hide it really well, behind smiles and positivity. When my mental health is wobbly though, the fear surfaces more blatantly and I try fight it with every ounce of power I can muster. The self-talk, self-coaching, the encouraging, motivating. I feel like I am my own motivational speaker. I tell you what, before the day even really begins, I am exhausted from just getting myself to rise from the abyss of tentacles trying to claw me back into the depths of darkness. Mornings seem so long and often getting out the house is quite an achievement. I am happy to say that these kinds of days have been far less frequent, and so I had sort of forgotten (chosen to forget) about the warning signs. Things that I had under control and developed coping mechanisms for, every so often, transform themselves back into that ominous shadowy passenger that tags along for the ride, uninvited mind you. I find myself more on edge. It's been months since I was freaking out (overly so) about any unlocked or open doors in the evening. This is going to sound absurd, but before I had medication to help me sleep, I would wander around the house at several intervals throughout the night to check that doors were locked. What started as me just not being able to sleep became unhealthy, without me even knowing it.Sitting here writing this, I am even doubting whether I should post this because, well because, even for me reading it, I think to myself, gosh, how preposterous. But for me it is so real and so terrifying in the moment. I would freak out, even if the door was locked but the flyscreen gate not, or if the door was simply locked with the latch and not the keys as well. I am scared to say the next part too, because it sounds so super crazy, but I on occasion would search the house with a torch for intruders; under beds, in cupboards, all sorts of places, while my husband and daughter were in contentedly in dreamland. All night, I would be unsettled, worrying about the safety of my family. The night that I didn't do full on hunts, I still wandered around checking the doors and gates, checking my daughter's room for potential kidnappers. As I mentioned earlier, in the moment it is all so very real and uncontrollable, it becomes an unhealthy obsession. I think motherhood plays a role in heightening that protective gene, and when you are already struggling with anxiety, well, then it just exacerbates it. One night, after going to bed, I woke up soon after falling asleep and insisted my husband get the spare mattress for our daughter, so that she could come sleep in our room. She was fast asleep in her own bed, in her own room, had been so for an hour or two, but I was a 'lunatic' lady and needed that to be done. No questions asked, that was the only solution and I wouldnt have it any other way. My dearest husband didn't question me much, he seemed a little confused, but I think my terror and panic and sense of urgency caused him to oblige to the obscure demand. When I think about it and write about it, I am astounded that this one part of me has so much control over me. My common sense brain tells me that I am being tricked by my brain, that anxiety is controlling me, but in the moment, sense and objectivity float somewhere below the level of conscious thought. This is why I say the self-talk and motivation is exhausting, because I know that my mind is controlling me, I know reality versus fiction, but the control anxiety can have over a person is enormous and all consuming.
So Monday was 'blue', I felt 'blue' and like I said I had some warning signs. I had a little worry about leaving the laundry door open for the cat in the evening while little miss is alseep in her room, I had a go at poor the poor husband for only locking the laundry gate and not the door as well. I couldn't bring myself to go out much especially while my hubby was away on school camp, apart from taking my daughter to school and fetching her again, for fear I may be involved in a car accident or some other misfortune manifested itself.
As I said though, I am more in control of these unhelpful thoughts now, but they wait until I feel down and emerge like a spider from beneath a couch, unannounced and unwelcome, but with no choice but to see that it is there. The response, that is where it all lies. Do you rescue it and put it outside? Do you spray it with poison? Flatten it with a shoe or broom? Make friends with it? I am still figuring things out and I know that at this very moment, I am struggling a bit in this area. Change; stress; things beyond my control; all take refuge in my mind. What I can say is that when I look back, I can see progress and ownership. In the past I felt weak when admitting to struggling with my own mental health, but I feel stronger and am slowly becoming more unapologetically accepting of this journey. There are going to be'blue mondays' and 'blue any other days' of the week for that matter, but I feel that they are less frequent than they used to be and blue is better than black, so that's a positive. It reminds me that I need to let my brain zone out a little, otherwise I may feel like going to the deserted island I wanted to go to all by myself indefinitely. I know that I also need to exercise and eat better, because when I do this properly I feel better too. In the meantime, I know that I will get through this and a lot of my self-talk and frepetitive motivation relates back to my previous post on perspective. Although these blue days are less about wallowing and more about just making it through the day, perspective is a good reminder that I am pretty darn blessed and amidst the desire to hide beneath the duvet covers, I get up and face the day. Not like a warrior or a boss, my brain goes into dormant mode and everything feels surreal ,like a dream almost, but hindsight tells me, it will get better, be better and that my brain will wake up a little less burdened in the next day, week or month.
As I said before, a mixture of medication, motivational speeches, positive thoughts and acceptance help me survive. .Knowledge and skills I have picked up along the way and determination to not let this be the boss of me. I know that there are good days and bad days, but when the good outnumber the bad and you know that progress has been made, coping and getting through it is a smidge easier.
So, I revealed some pretty hard to share stuff here and it was hard! Being vulnerable to an audience and even declaring these things to yourself is pretty terrifying. I even sent it to a friend before posting it, to ask her if I should even post it, for fear of being judged or labeled as unhinged. She reminded me that sharing these experiences is good, because we hide behind the facacde of what we think the world wants us to be, expects us to be and then walk these silent journeys questioning ourselves and berating ourselves, only to find out that we are not alone in the struggles. So, if you too have felt less than normal, don't think you are alone or crazy. We are broken people trying to walk this complicated path of life. So let's break those barriers that tell us that to be accepted we have to be a certain way, and hide those 'corner crazies' or spiders from the under the couch, from the world. It's not quite what I want to embrace (the challenges of mental health), but I certainly want to accept it, own it and not feel inferior because of it. I want to be unapologetically me, and in a way my dear friend also reminded me of this, that sharing these experiences is not only a kind of therapy to me, it is also a means to let those of you who may have experienced similar emotions and thoughts, that it is ok. You are not totally alone, there are others out there also hiding their absurdities from the world, even from themselves. So may you overcome your 'blue' Monday's knowing it will pass, you are not alone and most of all that tomorrow (or in the not too distant future) will be better, brighter and beautiful. Don't delay getting help if you feel you need it. For me, I got help, I am making progress and I am learning that all people have their challenges and hopefully my experiences can help others and help me understand others, be compassionate and show empathy to others, without judgement. In any case, no matter the person, you do not know what invisible challenges they may be facing and although some of us are pretty good at hiding behind humour and a smile, those who are also distant need your support and kindness. We are on this path together. Let's support each other without judgement. Mental health issues are not faced by everyone, but we all face challenges. These are my daily challenges. I don't like them, but they are here. And as the song lyrics from the The Greatest Showman says ' And I am marching on to the beat I drum, I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me'. I am working on getting to that place, despite the bruises, 'I am who I am meant to be.'
Thank you for reading,
Blessings, Jax
So Monday was 'blue', I felt 'blue' and like I said I had some warning signs. I had a little worry about leaving the laundry door open for the cat in the evening while little miss is alseep in her room, I had a go at poor the poor husband for only locking the laundry gate and not the door as well. I couldn't bring myself to go out much especially while my hubby was away on school camp, apart from taking my daughter to school and fetching her again, for fear I may be involved in a car accident or some other misfortune manifested itself.
As I said though, I am more in control of these unhelpful thoughts now, but they wait until I feel down and emerge like a spider from beneath a couch, unannounced and unwelcome, but with no choice but to see that it is there. The response, that is where it all lies. Do you rescue it and put it outside? Do you spray it with poison? Flatten it with a shoe or broom? Make friends with it? I am still figuring things out and I know that at this very moment, I am struggling a bit in this area. Change; stress; things beyond my control; all take refuge in my mind. What I can say is that when I look back, I can see progress and ownership. In the past I felt weak when admitting to struggling with my own mental health, but I feel stronger and am slowly becoming more unapologetically accepting of this journey. There are going to be'blue mondays' and 'blue any other days' of the week for that matter, but I feel that they are less frequent than they used to be and blue is better than black, so that's a positive. It reminds me that I need to let my brain zone out a little, otherwise I may feel like going to the deserted island I wanted to go to all by myself indefinitely. I know that I also need to exercise and eat better, because when I do this properly I feel better too. In the meantime, I know that I will get through this and a lot of my self-talk and frepetitive motivation relates back to my previous post on perspective. Although these blue days are less about wallowing and more about just making it through the day, perspective is a good reminder that I am pretty darn blessed and amidst the desire to hide beneath the duvet covers, I get up and face the day. Not like a warrior or a boss, my brain goes into dormant mode and everything feels surreal ,like a dream almost, but hindsight tells me, it will get better, be better and that my brain will wake up a little less burdened in the next day, week or month.
As I said before, a mixture of medication, motivational speeches, positive thoughts and acceptance help me survive. .Knowledge and skills I have picked up along the way and determination to not let this be the boss of me. I know that there are good days and bad days, but when the good outnumber the bad and you know that progress has been made, coping and getting through it is a smidge easier.
So, I revealed some pretty hard to share stuff here and it was hard! Being vulnerable to an audience and even declaring these things to yourself is pretty terrifying. I even sent it to a friend before posting it, to ask her if I should even post it, for fear of being judged or labeled as unhinged. She reminded me that sharing these experiences is good, because we hide behind the facacde of what we think the world wants us to be, expects us to be and then walk these silent journeys questioning ourselves and berating ourselves, only to find out that we are not alone in the struggles. So, if you too have felt less than normal, don't think you are alone or crazy. We are broken people trying to walk this complicated path of life. So let's break those barriers that tell us that to be accepted we have to be a certain way, and hide those 'corner crazies' or spiders from the under the couch, from the world. It's not quite what I want to embrace (the challenges of mental health), but I certainly want to accept it, own it and not feel inferior because of it. I want to be unapologetically me, and in a way my dear friend also reminded me of this, that sharing these experiences is not only a kind of therapy to me, it is also a means to let those of you who may have experienced similar emotions and thoughts, that it is ok. You are not totally alone, there are others out there also hiding their absurdities from the world, even from themselves. So may you overcome your 'blue' Monday's knowing it will pass, you are not alone and most of all that tomorrow (or in the not too distant future) will be better, brighter and beautiful. Don't delay getting help if you feel you need it. For me, I got help, I am making progress and I am learning that all people have their challenges and hopefully my experiences can help others and help me understand others, be compassionate and show empathy to others, without judgement. In any case, no matter the person, you do not know what invisible challenges they may be facing and although some of us are pretty good at hiding behind humour and a smile, those who are also distant need your support and kindness. We are on this path together. Let's support each other without judgement. Mental health issues are not faced by everyone, but we all face challenges. These are my daily challenges. I don't like them, but they are here. And as the song lyrics from the The Greatest Showman says ' And I am marching on to the beat I drum, I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me'. I am working on getting to that place, despite the bruises, 'I am who I am meant to be.'
Thank you for reading,
Blessings, Jax
Friday 2 February 2018
Perspectives refracted
I won't lie to you, moving has not been easy. Besides the packing and unpacking, getting our rental bond back (Still waiting - 7 weeks and counting) and all the usual stress that goes with moving, it's the moving of the mind, heart and soul from all you know, your friends, all things familiar and immersing into all things unfamiliar, new and daunting that is the real hard part. The stress of unpacking and deciding where to put things, the newness of a new place, new area, beaches, friends visiting and the busyness of the first few weeks dulled the initial separation and sadness of leaving behind friends, familiarty and memories.
It wasnt until about our 5th week of being here, that I actually really processed everything. Change isn't easy, it isn't necessarily bad, it is just hard sometimes. My hubby started his new job the week before school went back, so I had a week with my little miss, but I started feeling unsettled and shaky. I was cranky and snappy and on the verge of tears for much of the time. I couldn't quite fathom it, but in the back of my mind I was thinking of my friends, students and colleagues back in Maryborough, also back at school (or almsot back at school) and me, not being there, in my familiar place, with them. This was exacerbated by the husband having a new job and me realising that I was jobless and am not too thrilled about the prospects of uncertainty.
Anyway, so while I was doing this selfish wallowing and trying to remind myself (not very successfully - wallowing is a pretty strong power) that I am pretty blessed and lucky and have a lot to be grateful for, and spiralling into a state of despair, I got a text from my mom that my uncle's cancer is back and that it is at stage 4. And there I sat, teary and quite unimpressed with myself for making my problems seem like mountains, when really, they pale in comparison to some of the tragedies in the world. (My uncle is due to start chemo soon, not sure the exact details of prognosis at this stage, but there seems to be a glimmer of hope). I was also still mulling over another post (that started giving me a bit of perspective - link is here, mind some of the language though, but worth a read) http://www.samanthawillsfoundation.org/contributors/2018/1/6/holly-butcher-1990-2018
I also came across a friend's passionate, powerful and poignant Facebook post. This dear lady, in her early 30's lost her husband suddenly in the middle of the night, right beside her, a few months ago. She is now a widow, a young mum of three beautful kiddies and one bub on the way. Hope, her eldest has just started school and the new addition is due later this year. And one of her Facebook posts in mid January related to how she was teaching her children about Job in the Bible. Job endured so much hardship, satan tested him (see the back story in Job if you wan tto know why and more details on these occurrences) and he lost everything, including his children. Even Job's wife told him to turn, 'Curse God and die,' but Job remained faithful to God through the testing, through losing everything, his possessions, his family, his wealth and health. Eventually, Job's faith and perserverance are rewarded. He is blessed with double of what he had and lives to a ripe old age. But in the midst of his despair (which he is very much entitled to) he does not turn from God. He does not understand, but his faithfulness stands firm. Emma then says this, 'I was challenged that I may not understand what's happened in my life, but I am jolly well trusting the Lord. This is crazy to some. But it's the truth I know to be real, unmovable, firm and bring peace.'
Wow. Just wow. What a reality check. Often I am so engrossed in my own (head) drama, that I selfishly lose sight of the reality of the blessings in my life, the things that I take for granted every single day. I allow my emotions to grow bigger than God, which is pretty pathetic really. I know that I will find myself wallowing again, but that still quiet voice of persepctive grows louder and louder each time, reminding me to cherish and value this precious gift of life, even when it gets hard, or when I think it is hard, but in the greater scheme of things, I am privileged and blessed. Life is full of lessons, if we allow ourselves to hear them and really listen to them. There will be adversity, there will be challenges, but when I think on the reason for my misery, I give myself a stern talking to. Yes, moving is hard, being without a job is challenging, living with anxiety is not a walk in the park, but really, life's tests make us stronger and opening myself to objective perspectives is leading me on an inward journey of self-discovery and delving deeper into God's Word.
The lesson: Less about me, more about the plight of those in need. More about turning to God and having faith. I accept that some days are and will be harder than others and some situations test me more than others, but I am reminded that God has got this and when I start wallowing, I need to get God's perspective in check. To new beginnings, new places and new perspectives. To cherishing, to delighting, to hoping, to believing, to having joy regardless.
Thank you for reading. Until next time...
PS Here is beautiful Emma's full post if you would like to read it all
It wasnt until about our 5th week of being here, that I actually really processed everything. Change isn't easy, it isn't necessarily bad, it is just hard sometimes. My hubby started his new job the week before school went back, so I had a week with my little miss, but I started feeling unsettled and shaky. I was cranky and snappy and on the verge of tears for much of the time. I couldn't quite fathom it, but in the back of my mind I was thinking of my friends, students and colleagues back in Maryborough, also back at school (or almsot back at school) and me, not being there, in my familiar place, with them. This was exacerbated by the husband having a new job and me realising that I was jobless and am not too thrilled about the prospects of uncertainty.
Anyway, so while I was doing this selfish wallowing and trying to remind myself (not very successfully - wallowing is a pretty strong power) that I am pretty blessed and lucky and have a lot to be grateful for, and spiralling into a state of despair, I got a text from my mom that my uncle's cancer is back and that it is at stage 4. And there I sat, teary and quite unimpressed with myself for making my problems seem like mountains, when really, they pale in comparison to some of the tragedies in the world. (My uncle is due to start chemo soon, not sure the exact details of prognosis at this stage, but there seems to be a glimmer of hope). I was also still mulling over another post (that started giving me a bit of perspective - link is here, mind some of the language though, but worth a read) http://www.samanthawillsfoundation.org/contributors/2018/1/6/holly-butcher-1990-2018
I also came across a friend's passionate, powerful and poignant Facebook post. This dear lady, in her early 30's lost her husband suddenly in the middle of the night, right beside her, a few months ago. She is now a widow, a young mum of three beautful kiddies and one bub on the way. Hope, her eldest has just started school and the new addition is due later this year. And one of her Facebook posts in mid January related to how she was teaching her children about Job in the Bible. Job endured so much hardship, satan tested him (see the back story in Job if you wan tto know why and more details on these occurrences) and he lost everything, including his children. Even Job's wife told him to turn, 'Curse God and die,' but Job remained faithful to God through the testing, through losing everything, his possessions, his family, his wealth and health. Eventually, Job's faith and perserverance are rewarded. He is blessed with double of what he had and lives to a ripe old age. But in the midst of his despair (which he is very much entitled to) he does not turn from God. He does not understand, but his faithfulness stands firm. Emma then says this, 'I was challenged that I may not understand what's happened in my life, but I am jolly well trusting the Lord. This is crazy to some. But it's the truth I know to be real, unmovable, firm and bring peace.'
Wow. Just wow. What a reality check. Often I am so engrossed in my own (head) drama, that I selfishly lose sight of the reality of the blessings in my life, the things that I take for granted every single day. I allow my emotions to grow bigger than God, which is pretty pathetic really. I know that I will find myself wallowing again, but that still quiet voice of persepctive grows louder and louder each time, reminding me to cherish and value this precious gift of life, even when it gets hard, or when I think it is hard, but in the greater scheme of things, I am privileged and blessed. Life is full of lessons, if we allow ourselves to hear them and really listen to them. There will be adversity, there will be challenges, but when I think on the reason for my misery, I give myself a stern talking to. Yes, moving is hard, being without a job is challenging, living with anxiety is not a walk in the park, but really, life's tests make us stronger and opening myself to objective perspectives is leading me on an inward journey of self-discovery and delving deeper into God's Word.
The lesson: Less about me, more about the plight of those in need. More about turning to God and having faith. I accept that some days are and will be harder than others and some situations test me more than others, but I am reminded that God has got this and when I start wallowing, I need to get God's perspective in check. To new beginnings, new places and new perspectives. To cherishing, to delighting, to hoping, to believing, to having joy regardless.
Thank you for reading. Until next time...
PS Here is beautiful Emma's full post if you would like to read it all
Yesterday morning I was teaching the children about Job in the bible. They listened as I shared how God allowed satan to test him. You see Job was blameless and upright, he feared the Lord and shun evil. He loved God and was a good man! But Satan said to God that he (Job) would curse Him (God) if he took everything he has. Well, God said very well everything he has is in your hands, but you can't lay a finger on Job. So the test began. The Sabeans attacked, killed his servants took his oxen and donkey's. More sheep and servants were burnt with fire. Camels were stolen and his 10 sons and daughters were killed. Job still loved and trusted the Lord. He would have been shocked, terrified, grief stricken.
Satan came back to God and basically said, if you let me get to his skin and bones he will curse you. God said okay, but you must spare his life. So he then was afflicted with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. His wife said to him, "Are you still holding onto your integrity? Curse God and die!" He told her she was talking like a foolish woman.. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? In all this, Job did not sin. Check out Job in the bible from start to finish.
But when I shared with my children the Lords reply to Job in all this, I had to pass on the children's devotional to my sister to take over for I myself was greatly moved. The Lord said, "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundations? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set or who laid its cornerstone while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? In chapter 39:27 the Lord says, does the eagle soar at your command and build his nest on high.
I was challenged that I may not understand what's happened in my life, but I am jolly well trusting the Lord. This is crazy to some. But it's the truth I know to be real, unmovable, firm, and bring peace. The one true God that is coming back again I serve
🙌
But when I shared with my children the Lords reply to Job in all this, I had to pass on the children's devotional to my sister to take over for I myself was greatly moved. The Lord said, "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundations? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set or who laid its cornerstone while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? In chapter 39:27 the Lord says, does the eagle soar at your command and build his nest on high.
I was challenged that I may not understand what's happened in my life, but I am jolly well trusting the Lord. This is crazy to some. But it's the truth I know to be real, unmovable, firm, and bring peace. The one true God that is coming back again I serve
🙌
After all this testing, the Lord blessed Job! He actually was given double than what he had before, had more children. He lived 140 years, saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. He died old and full of years.
May you each one be encouraged in your testing, in the valleys of life. Learn the truth and the truth will set you free!
May you each one be encouraged in your testing, in the valleys of life. Learn the truth and the truth will set you free!
Wednesday 24 January 2018
Droplets of me
Some of you may know this about me, some may not, but my mental health is something of a zigzag. I have always experienced some sort of anxiety, but never really put a name to it, or paid much attention to it, I kind of just glazed over it and ignored it. From a young age though, I remember being melodramatic. If my parents got home even just a few minutes after the time they said they would be (or were late to collect me from school), I would panic. I was an instant orphan. I remember telling a friend (sorry Sarah, did I actually ever tell you this...please forgive me) that I fell asleep and so I didn't turn up at a party I promised her I would be at. I was dressed, I lay on my bed and I just could not get myself to go. I do not know what made me afraid, but it was fear that stopped from going. I did end up falling asleep from sheer overwhelming exhaustion. Some of you reading this may find this a little strange because I am actually pretty friendly and appear to be quite social, and do okay in crowds. But deep down inside I am regretting my every word, then my every word increases as I get more anxious and my brain keeps telling my mouth to stop, but it doesn't it just moves all the more frantically, leaving me overthinking every word I said. I wonder to myself what may have been misread and just generally driving myself crazy with either thinking I misrepresented myself or offended someone.
I did occasionally go to high school parties, that was probably one of the only ones I missed, who knows why? And it never really dawned on me until recently when I have looked over my past to see if anxiety has been with me for longer than I thought. I do remember going to another friends party and hiding in the bathroom for much of the night. After the third boy asked me to go for a walk outside with him (and turning them all down) I decided to hide. I wasn't going to waste my first kiss on some random fella. I liked another boy who was going to meet me at the party (he did turn up, looked for me but I was nowhere to be found only to leave - I was hiding in the bathroom...)
The dreams were probably one of the worst aspects at that time though. That feeling that someone was sitting on my chest, stopping my breathing and holding me down scared me the most. I had this notion that the devil's spirit was trying to suffocate me and it terrified me. I would wake up in a panic from nightmares, dreams of being chased. Dreams still haunt me, they are improving (well I go through patches), but I often find myself running, dressed in camouflage, facing all sorts of terrors from bombs on aeroplanes to squeezing down very tiny pipes in an escape from the enemy. There are often guns, bombs that cause me to wake up with painful goosebumps spread over my body. I know they aren't real and am better equipped to calm myself down, but still these layers of dreams, repeated places with different stories still creep around the depths of my brain.
I really have no idea why I am telling you all this. I could quite potentially destroy my reputation. But, this is me and each day is a new day. At the start of 2015 things got off to a bad start. I felt fear, dread and despair most days, yet everything was great. I had a new job that I loved, my students were pretty awesome, my daughter was in kindy, and since I was only working part-time I got to spend 2 days of the week with her. But throw together a new job, your child starting in a new environment, studying and then bam, it gets a bit much. It took about 6 months for me to realise that I was heading on a downward path. The panic attacks became more frequent, night terrors also increased. A major meltdown and I knew I needed help. It took a while for things to start getting better again, finding the right medications and doses. But getting help was the best thing I could do. Stress is a funny thing, up to a point it can help us, but then with a click of your fingers stress causes anxiety to become heightened, this lead me down to anger and depression. I felt angry, for no particular reason. Just angry.
Last year was the first time I actually felt better than I had in ages. Psychologist visits, even a psychiatrist and I am coping. Yes, stress certainly plays a major role in throwing me off my game, but I have God and although for the longest time I just couldn't connect with Him, this has changed (no doubt many prayers have gone up for me and I thank you) and the gentle reminder that in the greater scheme of things, my 'problems' are pretty lame. Don't get me wrong, for me they are a daily struggle but with perspective, I am reminded of the world beyond the 'me-zone' and have faith that all this is shaping me to grow deeper in my faith, to better understand those living similar experiences and to be a more sensitive human being, compassionate and empathetic. As I said, I do not know where this journey is leading me and you will probably get to read about some great days and not o great days, but rest assured, one thing I always have apart from my amazing Creator, family and friends is a sense of humour. In the darkest of times, I can still see the humorous side, make fun of myself (when I am not feeling too fragile) and find something to laugh about.
Look forward to catching up with you next time, might write something about perspective. Still deciding - I have all sorts of thoughts in the middle of the night about what write, I suppose it beats them crazy dreams. Until next time, blessings xxx
I did occasionally go to high school parties, that was probably one of the only ones I missed, who knows why? And it never really dawned on me until recently when I have looked over my past to see if anxiety has been with me for longer than I thought. I do remember going to another friends party and hiding in the bathroom for much of the night. After the third boy asked me to go for a walk outside with him (and turning them all down) I decided to hide. I wasn't going to waste my first kiss on some random fella. I liked another boy who was going to meet me at the party (he did turn up, looked for me but I was nowhere to be found only to leave - I was hiding in the bathroom...)
The dreams were probably one of the worst aspects at that time though. That feeling that someone was sitting on my chest, stopping my breathing and holding me down scared me the most. I had this notion that the devil's spirit was trying to suffocate me and it terrified me. I would wake up in a panic from nightmares, dreams of being chased. Dreams still haunt me, they are improving (well I go through patches), but I often find myself running, dressed in camouflage, facing all sorts of terrors from bombs on aeroplanes to squeezing down very tiny pipes in an escape from the enemy. There are often guns, bombs that cause me to wake up with painful goosebumps spread over my body. I know they aren't real and am better equipped to calm myself down, but still these layers of dreams, repeated places with different stories still creep around the depths of my brain.
I really have no idea why I am telling you all this. I could quite potentially destroy my reputation. But, this is me and each day is a new day. At the start of 2015 things got off to a bad start. I felt fear, dread and despair most days, yet everything was great. I had a new job that I loved, my students were pretty awesome, my daughter was in kindy, and since I was only working part-time I got to spend 2 days of the week with her. But throw together a new job, your child starting in a new environment, studying and then bam, it gets a bit much. It took about 6 months for me to realise that I was heading on a downward path. The panic attacks became more frequent, night terrors also increased. A major meltdown and I knew I needed help. It took a while for things to start getting better again, finding the right medications and doses. But getting help was the best thing I could do. Stress is a funny thing, up to a point it can help us, but then with a click of your fingers stress causes anxiety to become heightened, this lead me down to anger and depression. I felt angry, for no particular reason. Just angry.
Last year was the first time I actually felt better than I had in ages. Psychologist visits, even a psychiatrist and I am coping. Yes, stress certainly plays a major role in throwing me off my game, but I have God and although for the longest time I just couldn't connect with Him, this has changed (no doubt many prayers have gone up for me and I thank you) and the gentle reminder that in the greater scheme of things, my 'problems' are pretty lame. Don't get me wrong, for me they are a daily struggle but with perspective, I am reminded of the world beyond the 'me-zone' and have faith that all this is shaping me to grow deeper in my faith, to better understand those living similar experiences and to be a more sensitive human being, compassionate and empathetic. As I said, I do not know where this journey is leading me and you will probably get to read about some great days and not o great days, but rest assured, one thing I always have apart from my amazing Creator, family and friends is a sense of humour. In the darkest of times, I can still see the humorous side, make fun of myself (when I am not feeling too fragile) and find something to laugh about.
Look forward to catching up with you next time, might write something about perspective. Still deciding - I have all sorts of thoughts in the middle of the night about what write, I suppose it beats them crazy dreams. Until next time, blessings xxx
Wednesday 17 January 2018
The drought is over
It seems that there have been no 'raindrops' since September 2014. I do have another blog that has more posts, but I really love the title of this one and since there is only one post prior to this one, it is as if I can almost start afresh, or in the very least, start from where I left off.
I haven't really thought much about the Mars mission (see previous post) but I was quite obsessed with it. Change scares me, so a change as big as that and not being able to return to earth, wow, big decision. Anyhow, I think my obsession with the Mars mission has waned a little (but do not be surprised if it returns...I like to revisit my obsessions with new information, perspectives and so forth.)
Anyway, this blog is going to be less about Mars (maybe Mars bars hahaha) and more about general ramblings that dwell in my brain and need to escape. I take a while to process things, so this may help with that. Perhaps you could contribute and help me make sense of this journey we call life, because for the most part it seems so confusing and forever changing course. I guess that is where faith comes into it, for me anyway.
I look forward to having you along for the ride.
Blessings xx
I haven't really thought much about the Mars mission (see previous post) but I was quite obsessed with it. Change scares me, so a change as big as that and not being able to return to earth, wow, big decision. Anyhow, I think my obsession with the Mars mission has waned a little (but do not be surprised if it returns...I like to revisit my obsessions with new information, perspectives and so forth.)
Anyway, this blog is going to be less about Mars (maybe Mars bars hahaha) and more about general ramblings that dwell in my brain and need to escape. I take a while to process things, so this may help with that. Perhaps you could contribute and help me make sense of this journey we call life, because for the most part it seems so confusing and forever changing course. I guess that is where faith comes into it, for me anyway.
I look forward to having you along for the ride.
Blessings xx
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