Made strong in struggles

A sincere and heartfelt thank you to all your positive, encouraging and loving messages on my previous post. Your beauty on my life's journey is just one of the precious treasures that gives me hope each day, and I really do appreciate your kindness when things around me sometimes seem as if they are falling apart. Exposing vulnerability is never easy, and so I thank you for supporting and loving on me.

I am pretty good at hiding who I really am. I am  able to manage my symptoms quite well, but I am also really good at veiling my true emotions from the world. They're there but hidden, for fear that people won't like the unveiled version of me. High fucntioning anxiety is an actual term that I relate to, this veil helps me separate myself and avoid the reality of the truth sometimes. This is a daily reality for me, yes some days are good and some not so good, but once you have opened up, the last thing you want is to sound like a broken record, replaying the same old tune repetitively. I don't want to be a burden, and although each day may resemble previous days, saying the same thing day after day is social suicide.In saying this though, what I do know is that God hears my prayers and struggles every day. He doesn't grow tired of the repetitive tune of my voice, instead, He has reminded of so much more. One way us 'high functioning' worriers avoid the waves of fear and doubt is by keeping busy. I still experience these emotions, but had other things to occupy my day with.  Since moving and not working, I have too much time, and empty time is not a helpful place to be. I am not one that loves housework and I really need to get a hobby, but in saying that I spend more time stressing that I need to work as we need two incomes, especially here, where rent is higher among other things. I have however used this time to reconnect with God and this is a definite highlight in my lonely hours at home.

 I know that for some, mental health challenges are so much more challenging and I am 'lucky' that I am able to manage and cope, even if it is with much convincing (myself). I believe that my strength to face the day comes from God. And even when I have neglected to see this or to feel His presence, He was there sustaining me. I used to think that struggling with fear, anxiety and waves of depression or anger showed my lack of committment to God, that I am lacking in faith and less of a 'Christian' than my Christian friends. Let's be honest, as a believer, regular spiritual check ups are important. I allowed my anxiety to control me, it prevented me from connecting with God. My relationship with Him was strained all because of my doubts about myself. I allowed the evil one to make me feel unworthy of God's love and grace. I have been connecting a lot more with God since moving here,  and after reading one of Paul's accounts where he prays for God to take away a health issue he is struggling with. God does not. Not because God doesn't care, not because God doesn't heal or answer prayers, but rather, our weaknesses are a great reminder of our reliance on God. God responds to Paul (2 Corinthians 12v9) by saying 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in wekaness'. Basically, we need to use our weaknesses to remember God because our spiritual health is the most important heath there is. So, in saying that I am trusting in God's purpose. Paul prayed for healing and although he did not receive that, he received things far greater, far greater than earthly healing. He received grace, a stronger character, humility and increased empathy. So although I may not always understand this 'inconvenience' and it weakens me physically and mentally, it no longer weakens me spiritually. It has taken me a very long time to come to this realisation and I thank God for revealing this to me. 

Although being at home and a little out of sorts, it has been for a reason. This week I had some work and I thank God for that. Monday I came to God, with my very real fears and weaknesses. Each morning I have woken up and wondered if I might get a call for a day of relief teaching. I will my phone not to ring, yet I need to work. That anticipation is just so much more than I can handle, and struggling with the things I struggle with, I am a bit of a nervous wreck. So, I prayed. I have been praying a lot more, but on Monday I was vulnerable and prayed for specific things. I have been praying for a permanent job, a place where God wants me to be, but in the meantime I am happy to do some relief teaching. Firstly I prayed that I would have work this week, secondly I prayed that it would be at hubby's school and thirdly, a very hard prayer for this one, was that I would be notified the day before. Monday evening, I got a phonecall from the man who organises relief teachers at hubby's school for work the next day. Talk about answer to prayer - He cares for me even in the little things. Maybe you don't share my beliefs, but for me this is very real and I have witnessed many answers to prayer. strength in situations that probably could have destroyed  me and the opportunity to listen and trust God more than I have in recent months.

I feel more secure in my mental health journey. I feel that I can share it more openly with others, I feel that it isn't a reflection on my faith unless I allow it to be (or allow the evil one to cast doubt and judgement on me). Paul's circumstances were really harsh from jail time, attacks, shipwrecks and his health, but he got his strength from God. I know that Jesus did not come to take challenges away, but rather to change us on the inside and to empower us to deal with struggles from God's perspective, to use these struggles to deepen our faith.

Hindsight and the fact that it seems my anxiety is genetic, I am sure this 'dark passenger' will continue to travel with me, but I will look at it differently now and when I forget, please remind me of this post.

Thank you again for reading.
Blessings,
Jax