I have always been a fearful person, too much so probably. I am afraid of death/injury, of a loved one dying/being harmed, driving over bridges, of all sorts random of things. Sadly fear has dominated much of my life in one way or another. I just hide it really well, behind smiles and positivity. When my mental health is wobbly though, the fear surfaces more blatantly and I try fight it with every ounce of power I can muster. The self-talk, self-coaching, the encouraging, motivating. I feel like I am my own motivational speaker. I tell you what, before the day even really begins, I am exhausted from just getting myself to rise from the abyss of tentacles trying to claw me back into the depths of darkness. Mornings seem so long and often getting out the house is quite an achievement. I am happy to say that these kinds of days have been far less frequent, and so I had sort of forgotten (chosen to forget) about the warning signs. Things that I had under control and developed coping mechanisms for, every so often, transform themselves back into that ominous shadowy passenger that tags along for the ride, uninvited mind you. I find myself more on edge. It's been months since I was freaking out (overly so) about any unlocked or open doors in the evening. This is going to sound absurd, but before I had medication to help me sleep, I would wander around the house at several intervals throughout the night to check that doors were locked. What started as me just not being able to sleep became unhealthy, without me even knowing it.Sitting here writing this, I am even doubting whether I should post this because, well because, even for me reading it, I think to myself, gosh, how preposterous. But for me it is so real and so terrifying in the moment. I would freak out, even if the door was locked but the flyscreen gate not, or if the door was simply locked with the latch and not the keys as well. I am scared to say the next part too, because it sounds so super crazy, but I on occasion would search the house with a torch for intruders; under beds, in cupboards, all sorts of places, while my husband and daughter were in contentedly in dreamland. All night, I would be unsettled, worrying about the safety of my family. The night that I didn't do full on hunts, I still wandered around checking the doors and gates, checking my daughter's room for potential kidnappers. As I mentioned earlier, in the moment it is all so very real and uncontrollable, it becomes an unhealthy obsession. I think motherhood plays a role in heightening that protective gene, and when you are already struggling with anxiety, well, then it just exacerbates it. One night, after going to bed, I woke up soon after falling asleep and insisted my husband get the spare mattress for our daughter, so that she could come sleep in our room. She was fast asleep in her own bed, in her own room, had been so for an hour or two, but I was a 'lunatic' lady and needed that to be done. No questions asked, that was the only solution and I wouldnt have it any other way. My dearest husband didn't question me much, he seemed a little confused, but I think my terror and panic and sense of urgency caused him to oblige to the obscure demand. When I think about it and write about it, I am astounded that this one part of me has so much control over me. My common sense brain tells me that I am being tricked by my brain, that anxiety is controlling me, but in the moment, sense and objectivity float somewhere below the level of conscious thought. This is why I say the self-talk and motivation is exhausting, because I know that my mind is controlling me, I know reality versus fiction, but the control anxiety can have over a person is enormous and all consuming.
So Monday was 'blue', I felt 'blue' and like I said I had some warning signs. I had a little worry about leaving the laundry door open for the cat in the evening while little miss is alseep in her room, I had a go at poor the poor husband for only locking the laundry gate and not the door as well. I couldn't bring myself to go out much especially while my hubby was away on school camp, apart from taking my daughter to school and fetching her again, for fear I may be involved in a car accident or some other misfortune manifested itself.
As I said though, I am more in control of these unhelpful thoughts now, but they wait until I feel down and emerge like a spider from beneath a couch, unannounced and unwelcome, but with no choice but to see that it is there. The response, that is where it all lies. Do you rescue it and put it outside? Do you spray it with poison? Flatten it with a shoe or broom? Make friends with it? I am still figuring things out and I know that at this very moment, I am struggling a bit in this area. Change; stress; things beyond my control; all take refuge in my mind. What I can say is that when I look back, I can see progress and ownership. In the past I felt weak when admitting to struggling with my own mental health, but I feel stronger and am slowly becoming more unapologetically accepting of this journey. There are going to be'blue mondays' and 'blue any other days' of the week for that matter, but I feel that they are less frequent than they used to be and blue is better than black, so that's a positive. It reminds me that I need to let my brain zone out a little, otherwise I may feel like going to the deserted island I wanted to go to all by myself indefinitely. I know that I also need to exercise and eat better, because when I do this properly I feel better too. In the meantime, I know that I will get through this and a lot of my self-talk and frepetitive motivation relates back to my previous post on perspective. Although these blue days are less about wallowing and more about just making it through the day, perspective is a good reminder that I am pretty darn blessed and amidst the desire to hide beneath the duvet covers, I get up and face the day. Not like a warrior or a boss, my brain goes into dormant mode and everything feels surreal ,like a dream almost, but hindsight tells me, it will get better, be better and that my brain will wake up a little less burdened in the next day, week or month.
As I said before, a mixture of medication, motivational speeches, positive thoughts and acceptance help me survive. .Knowledge and skills I have picked up along the way and determination to not let this be the boss of me. I know that there are good days and bad days, but when the good outnumber the bad and you know that progress has been made, coping and getting through it is a smidge easier.
So, I revealed some pretty hard to share stuff here and it was hard! Being vulnerable to an audience and even declaring these things to yourself is pretty terrifying. I even sent it to a friend before posting it, to ask her if I should even post it, for fear of being judged or labeled as unhinged. She reminded me that sharing these experiences is good, because we hide behind the facacde of what we think the world wants us to be, expects us to be and then walk these silent journeys questioning ourselves and berating ourselves, only to find out that we are not alone in the struggles. So, if you too have felt less than normal, don't think you are alone or crazy. We are broken people trying to walk this complicated path of life. So let's break those barriers that tell us that to be accepted we have to be a certain way, and hide those 'corner crazies' or spiders from the under the couch, from the world. It's not quite what I want to embrace (the challenges of mental health), but I certainly want to accept it, own it and not feel inferior because of it. I want to be unapologetically me, and in a way my dear friend also reminded me of this, that sharing these experiences is not only a kind of therapy to me, it is also a means to let those of you who may have experienced similar emotions and thoughts, that it is ok. You are not totally alone, there are others out there also hiding their absurdities from the world, even from themselves. So may you overcome your 'blue' Monday's knowing it will pass, you are not alone and most of all that tomorrow (or in the not too distant future) will be better, brighter and beautiful. Don't delay getting help if you feel you need it. For me, I got help, I am making progress and I am learning that all people have their challenges and hopefully my experiences can help others and help me understand others, be compassionate and show empathy to others, without judgement. In any case, no matter the person, you do not know what invisible challenges they may be facing and although some of us are pretty good at hiding behind humour and a smile, those who are also distant need your support and kindness. We are on this path together. Let's support each other without judgement. Mental health issues are not faced by everyone, but we all face challenges. These are my daily challenges. I don't like them, but they are here. And as the song lyrics from the The Greatest Showman says ' And I am marching on to the beat I drum, I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me'. I am working on getting to that place, despite the bruises, 'I am who I am meant to be.'
Thank you for reading,
Blessings, Jax
So Monday was 'blue', I felt 'blue' and like I said I had some warning signs. I had a little worry about leaving the laundry door open for the cat in the evening while little miss is alseep in her room, I had a go at poor the poor husband for only locking the laundry gate and not the door as well. I couldn't bring myself to go out much especially while my hubby was away on school camp, apart from taking my daughter to school and fetching her again, for fear I may be involved in a car accident or some other misfortune manifested itself.
As I said though, I am more in control of these unhelpful thoughts now, but they wait until I feel down and emerge like a spider from beneath a couch, unannounced and unwelcome, but with no choice but to see that it is there. The response, that is where it all lies. Do you rescue it and put it outside? Do you spray it with poison? Flatten it with a shoe or broom? Make friends with it? I am still figuring things out and I know that at this very moment, I am struggling a bit in this area. Change; stress; things beyond my control; all take refuge in my mind. What I can say is that when I look back, I can see progress and ownership. In the past I felt weak when admitting to struggling with my own mental health, but I feel stronger and am slowly becoming more unapologetically accepting of this journey. There are going to be'blue mondays' and 'blue any other days' of the week for that matter, but I feel that they are less frequent than they used to be and blue is better than black, so that's a positive. It reminds me that I need to let my brain zone out a little, otherwise I may feel like going to the deserted island I wanted to go to all by myself indefinitely. I know that I also need to exercise and eat better, because when I do this properly I feel better too. In the meantime, I know that I will get through this and a lot of my self-talk and frepetitive motivation relates back to my previous post on perspective. Although these blue days are less about wallowing and more about just making it through the day, perspective is a good reminder that I am pretty darn blessed and amidst the desire to hide beneath the duvet covers, I get up and face the day. Not like a warrior or a boss, my brain goes into dormant mode and everything feels surreal ,like a dream almost, but hindsight tells me, it will get better, be better and that my brain will wake up a little less burdened in the next day, week or month.
As I said before, a mixture of medication, motivational speeches, positive thoughts and acceptance help me survive. .Knowledge and skills I have picked up along the way and determination to not let this be the boss of me. I know that there are good days and bad days, but when the good outnumber the bad and you know that progress has been made, coping and getting through it is a smidge easier.
So, I revealed some pretty hard to share stuff here and it was hard! Being vulnerable to an audience and even declaring these things to yourself is pretty terrifying. I even sent it to a friend before posting it, to ask her if I should even post it, for fear of being judged or labeled as unhinged. She reminded me that sharing these experiences is good, because we hide behind the facacde of what we think the world wants us to be, expects us to be and then walk these silent journeys questioning ourselves and berating ourselves, only to find out that we are not alone in the struggles. So, if you too have felt less than normal, don't think you are alone or crazy. We are broken people trying to walk this complicated path of life. So let's break those barriers that tell us that to be accepted we have to be a certain way, and hide those 'corner crazies' or spiders from the under the couch, from the world. It's not quite what I want to embrace (the challenges of mental health), but I certainly want to accept it, own it and not feel inferior because of it. I want to be unapologetically me, and in a way my dear friend also reminded me of this, that sharing these experiences is not only a kind of therapy to me, it is also a means to let those of you who may have experienced similar emotions and thoughts, that it is ok. You are not totally alone, there are others out there also hiding their absurdities from the world, even from themselves. So may you overcome your 'blue' Monday's knowing it will pass, you are not alone and most of all that tomorrow (or in the not too distant future) will be better, brighter and beautiful. Don't delay getting help if you feel you need it. For me, I got help, I am making progress and I am learning that all people have their challenges and hopefully my experiences can help others and help me understand others, be compassionate and show empathy to others, without judgement. In any case, no matter the person, you do not know what invisible challenges they may be facing and although some of us are pretty good at hiding behind humour and a smile, those who are also distant need your support and kindness. We are on this path together. Let's support each other without judgement. Mental health issues are not faced by everyone, but we all face challenges. These are my daily challenges. I don't like them, but they are here. And as the song lyrics from the The Greatest Showman says ' And I am marching on to the beat I drum, I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me'. I am working on getting to that place, despite the bruises, 'I am who I am meant to be.'
Thank you for reading,
Blessings, Jax
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