Driving miss Crazy.

If you told me this time last year that I would be living on the Gold Coast and commuting to Brisbane (solo) for work, I would not have believed you. Driving is not my favourite past-time, particularly longer distances and highways. I remember when I first really started noticing that my wellbeing was compromised by having to drive to work on the highway. It was probably only a 15 minute commute, but driving often scared me and more so in South Africa, where very little regard for road rules is the norm. Along with my sleeplessness (probably anxiety and fear related though I was still unaware), I wallowed in thoughts of despair and death, convinced each morning that that would be my last day, that I would inevitably have an accident and perish. The more stressed I became (teaching 29 out of 30 lessons a week does that to a person) the more compromised my thoughts were, let alone the other constant fears as a person (particularly a woman) in South Africa - rape, break ins, hijackings and muggings to name a few. My fears meshed together into a treacherous tornado, creating a traumatised, sleep deprived, angry, worried, dysfunctional person, and I used any remaining energy to hide it from the world and ignore it at a superficial level.

Jump a decade on, and here I am sitting in Brisbane (on a lunch break) at the moment, having driven here from Burleigh Heads on the Gold Coast. At least an hour's drive, on a busy highway, yet not nearly as traumatised as even last year, around this time, when I refused to drive myself from Maryborough to Bundaberg or Gympie - also about an hour in travel time(and not super keen on driving to Hervey Bay - though I did). Although I feel calmer, I do still have restless nights on the nights before my drive, but I am here, and when I was offered the part-time position (which requires me to drive 2 days per week to Brisbane) I considered it and accepted it, with a bit of trepidation, but a lot less fear than previously.

As time goes on I have been forced to face fears, often not obligingly. An example being when hubby got a new job on the Gold Coast and it came to thinking about the move, it was inevitable that I would need to drive my longest (solo)journey yet  (no adult supervision hahaha)... Maryborough to the more southern end of the Gold Coast, with my daugher (7), 2 dogs (luckily sedated) and the cat (sadly not sedated and much of an out of tune yodler!) Anyhow, I digress, I was not thrilled about the 4 hour plus journey (to be honest I thought we should just sell one of our cars and that would solve my problem - not any of the challenges, but I would be smiling), but my point is that facing fears and anxiety has pretty much been a lifelong struggle for me (even when I had no idea that I was in the throes of compromised wellbeing), and what I do know is that  I have coped, I have faced fears, I have made progress. It was never easy, it never occurred haphazardly, there was a lot of convincing, self-talk, mental preparation and all that exhausting, yet silent and buried internal conversations. I believe that although being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, that these struggles make us unique and for me, it has made me stronger. I remind myself of my accomplishments rather than my downfalls (of course these do come into play because I do need to be accountable for actions that are not right)  and knowing that I do make progress is a constant reminder and reinforcer, that I can do it. I am also reminded though that I need to listen to my body and my mind, because sometimes I am not ready, but that is ok. Sometimes I just need a break, to clock out. And I hope that if you are in this situation that you are gentle on yourself, because we all grow in different areas, at different speeds and need extra time to recharge and regroup)

Back to my driving. I do feel a little fearful at times, but I remind myself that all I can do is pray, remain focused (on the road) and of course that my life is in the Hands of 'someone' far greater than the universe.

Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax