I.don't.want.to.

Four simple words that describe how I feel when anxiety/depression squeeze their claws into me after a while of 'smoothe sailing'. Every fibre of my being does not want to do anything, especially those things that involve getting dresssed and leaving the house. It is such a strange feeling to describe, so intense and so confusing. The desire to cry, scream, punch or just melt into a blanket all co-exist, resulting in a panic of sorts. My skin itches, I feel shaky inside and outside. The brain can't focus and the mind is in a faraway land, motivation is a distant memory and trying to do anything remotely constructive is an exhausting thought. From hindsight, I know that once I do leave the house and, say go to work, that my well-rehearsed social side will kick in and mask over the inner torment, and that I will actually have quite a pleasant time. But in the moment of trying to get out the door, or when I am not working to do anything that requires some thought, I feel myself taking deeper breaths, filling time idly with naps or searches on the internet to avoid the 'pressure' within.

If I take a step back, I can actually notice a slow decline leading to this place, this unwelcome and annoying place :the disturbed sleep, weirder dreams, the brain fog, the crankiness. In amidst prayer, avoidance, and frustration, I know that I will get through this. I have in the past, and I will again. It's just a matter of when and how long it will take...

It's okay to not be okay, but don't suffer in silence. In my case, a visit to the doctor is in order to check my meds or just have a check up - apparently they can loose their effectiveness which can result in a relapse. I don't want to go, I want to stay in my pyjamas all day and ignore this whole affair, but adulting has become a set of preconstructed steps that I need to follow (it's just in my nature - if it is on my mind now, I need to do it now for fear of forgetting or worrying more - and that my friends feeds the darkness, the worry, the feelings of inadequacy, the pretending that everything is hunky dory). I am hoping it is just a little hiccup related to some stressors that I internalise, and avoid.

So,  I don't want to, but I do. That right there reminds me that somewhere inside this silent tornado, a ray of strength exists. I have adapted, acted and rehearsed many a performance to present to the world, to hide this creature within. So, now I choose to expose it and share it in hopes that someone else out there won't feel so alone or marginalised. I know where my strength comes from, and at times I forget this or downplay it, but it could be worse and I remind myself of the many blessings I have. Reason can often disappear in the depths of despair, but but remind yourself that you are strong, you are courageous and that you can get through this. Don't ignore or avoid it, speak it, get help and know that things will get better.

IT has been a while and I apologise for the 'blueness' of this post, hopefully next time, the sparklier me will be back.


Thank you for reading,
Jax

PS I just had a quick squiz at my post 'Blue Monday' and am reminded of my ostrich syndrome and that I was here earlier in the year and will climb that mountain, when my energy decides to return...