Thank you for reading my last post, thank you for all your kind thoughts and comments and most of all, thank you for encouraging me and loving me despite this companaion that travels uninvited along with me. Here is an update from last time, if you are keen to follow :)
Although every fibre of my being did not want to go to the doctor, I know myself and know that in avoiding doing so I would stress myself out more and eventually end up there anyway, possibly in a worse state than I was in. I bit the bullet, sucked it up (and finally got out of my pjs) and saw my GP. Poor guy, he has not seen this me yet (my doctor in Maryborough knew me well and was the first one on the trail of insisting I get some mental help) but he was really understanding and concerned. He suggested I up my meds dosage and see a psychologist. I am not too thrilled about increasing my dose, but I guess it is worth a shot and as he said, I can reduce them again in a few months once things have settled. The side effects have been a bit unpleasant, with some nausea and unexpected tears, but I feel good that there is a plan and that gives me some sense of hope and relief.
I also saw a psychologist. She is lovely. A vibrant soul, with a sincere hearty laugh. Although she does not share my faith, she knows how much I value it and is incorporating it into our sessions moving forward. One first bit of homework for her is writing a letter to God. I have started and am on page 3 already - clearly I have a lot to say. It is strange that I have never thought to do this before, because praying versus writing a letter is totally different. I feel a little nervous about writing it though, that I might say something I regret but I know God knows what I feel without me even writing a letter. So far this exercise is revealing a lot about me to me (who knew?!).
On that note, I think I will leave you. Please know that if I am aloof, or distant, it is likely my medication or my current state, which is a little detached from my mind and body. My mind wanders a lot, I feel tired much of the time, I lack focus and my concentration is shocking. I can't always find words to use but know that I have been blessed with a sense of humour and even when things get pretty wobbly, my sense of humour rescues me time and time again. Here is to laughter, even when things are tough, seeing the funny side prevails.
Love you all,
Jax
Wednesday, 17 October 2018
Wednesday, 10 October 2018
I.don't.want.to.
Four simple words that describe how I feel when anxiety/depression squeeze their claws into me after a while of 'smoothe sailing'. Every fibre of my being does not want to do anything, especially those things that involve getting dresssed and leaving the house. It is such a strange feeling to describe, so intense and so confusing. The desire to cry, scream, punch or just melt into a blanket all co-exist, resulting in a panic of sorts. My skin itches, I feel shaky inside and outside. The brain can't focus and the mind is in a faraway land, motivation is a distant memory and trying to do anything remotely constructive is an exhausting thought. From hindsight, I know that once I do leave the house and, say go to work, that my well-rehearsed social side will kick in and mask over the inner torment, and that I will actually have quite a pleasant time. But in the moment of trying to get out the door, or when I am not working to do anything that requires some thought, I feel myself taking deeper breaths, filling time idly with naps or searches on the internet to avoid the 'pressure' within.
If I take a step back, I can actually notice a slow decline leading to this place, this unwelcome and annoying place :the disturbed sleep, weirder dreams, the brain fog, the crankiness. In amidst prayer, avoidance, and frustration, I know that I will get through this. I have in the past, and I will again. It's just a matter of when and how long it will take...
It's okay to not be okay, but don't suffer in silence. In my case, a visit to the doctor is in order to check my meds or just have a check up - apparently they can loose their effectiveness which can result in a relapse. I don't want to go, I want to stay in my pyjamas all day and ignore this whole affair, but adulting has become a set of preconstructed steps that I need to follow (it's just in my nature - if it is on my mind now, I need to do it now for fear of forgetting or worrying more - and that my friends feeds the darkness, the worry, the feelings of inadequacy, the pretending that everything is hunky dory). I am hoping it is just a little hiccup related to some stressors that I internalise, and avoid.
So, I don't want to, but I do. That right there reminds me that somewhere inside this silent tornado, a ray of strength exists. I have adapted, acted and rehearsed many a performance to present to the world, to hide this creature within. So, now I choose to expose it and share it in hopes that someone else out there won't feel so alone or marginalised. I know where my strength comes from, and at times I forget this or downplay it, but it could be worse and I remind myself of the many blessings I have. Reason can often disappear in the depths of despair, but but remind yourself that you are strong, you are courageous and that you can get through this. Don't ignore or avoid it, speak it, get help and know that things will get better.
IT has been a while and I apologise for the 'blueness' of this post, hopefully next time, the sparklier me will be back.
Thank you for reading,
Jax
PS I just had a quick squiz at my post 'Blue Monday' and am reminded of my ostrich syndrome and that I was here earlier in the year and will climb that mountain, when my energy decides to return...
If I take a step back, I can actually notice a slow decline leading to this place, this unwelcome and annoying place :the disturbed sleep, weirder dreams, the brain fog, the crankiness. In amidst prayer, avoidance, and frustration, I know that I will get through this. I have in the past, and I will again. It's just a matter of when and how long it will take...
It's okay to not be okay, but don't suffer in silence. In my case, a visit to the doctor is in order to check my meds or just have a check up - apparently they can loose their effectiveness which can result in a relapse. I don't want to go, I want to stay in my pyjamas all day and ignore this whole affair, but adulting has become a set of preconstructed steps that I need to follow (it's just in my nature - if it is on my mind now, I need to do it now for fear of forgetting or worrying more - and that my friends feeds the darkness, the worry, the feelings of inadequacy, the pretending that everything is hunky dory). I am hoping it is just a little hiccup related to some stressors that I internalise, and avoid.
So, I don't want to, but I do. That right there reminds me that somewhere inside this silent tornado, a ray of strength exists. I have adapted, acted and rehearsed many a performance to present to the world, to hide this creature within. So, now I choose to expose it and share it in hopes that someone else out there won't feel so alone or marginalised. I know where my strength comes from, and at times I forget this or downplay it, but it could be worse and I remind myself of the many blessings I have. Reason can often disappear in the depths of despair, but but remind yourself that you are strong, you are courageous and that you can get through this. Don't ignore or avoid it, speak it, get help and know that things will get better.
IT has been a while and I apologise for the 'blueness' of this post, hopefully next time, the sparklier me will be back.
Thank you for reading,
Jax
PS I just had a quick squiz at my post 'Blue Monday' and am reminded of my ostrich syndrome and that I was here earlier in the year and will climb that mountain, when my energy decides to return...
Tuesday, 14 August 2018
Driving miss Crazy.
If you told me this time last year that I would be living on the Gold Coast and commuting to Brisbane (solo) for work, I would not have believed you. Driving is not my favourite past-time, particularly longer distances and highways. I remember when I first really started noticing that my wellbeing was compromised by having to drive to work on the highway. It was probably only a 15 minute commute, but driving often scared me and more so in South Africa, where very little regard for road rules is the norm. Along with my sleeplessness (probably anxiety and fear related though I was still unaware), I wallowed in thoughts of despair and death, convinced each morning that that would be my last day, that I would inevitably have an accident and perish. The more stressed I became (teaching 29 out of 30 lessons a week does that to a person) the more compromised my thoughts were, let alone the other constant fears as a person (particularly a woman) in South Africa - rape, break ins, hijackings and muggings to name a few. My fears meshed together into a treacherous tornado, creating a traumatised, sleep deprived, angry, worried, dysfunctional person, and I used any remaining energy to hide it from the world and ignore it at a superficial level.
Jump a decade on, and here I am sitting in Brisbane (on a lunch break) at the moment, having driven here from Burleigh Heads on the Gold Coast. At least an hour's drive, on a busy highway, yet not nearly as traumatised as even last year, around this time, when I refused to drive myself from Maryborough to Bundaberg or Gympie - also about an hour in travel time(and not super keen on driving to Hervey Bay - though I did). Although I feel calmer, I do still have restless nights on the nights before my drive, but I am here, and when I was offered the part-time position (which requires me to drive 2 days per week to Brisbane) I considered it and accepted it, with a bit of trepidation, but a lot less fear than previously.
As time goes on I have been forced to face fears, often not obligingly. An example being when hubby got a new job on the Gold Coast and it came to thinking about the move, it was inevitable that I would need to drive my longest (solo)journey yet (no adult supervision hahaha)... Maryborough to the more southern end of the Gold Coast, with my daugher (7), 2 dogs (luckily sedated) and the cat (sadly not sedated and much of an out of tune yodler!) Anyhow, I digress, I was not thrilled about the 4 hour plus journey (to be honest I thought we should just sell one of our cars and that would solve my problem - not any of the challenges, but I would be smiling), but my point is that facing fears and anxiety has pretty much been a lifelong struggle for me (even when I had no idea that I was in the throes of compromised wellbeing), and what I do know is that I have coped, I have faced fears, I have made progress. It was never easy, it never occurred haphazardly, there was a lot of convincing, self-talk, mental preparation and all that exhausting, yet silent and buried internal conversations. I believe that although being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, that these struggles make us unique and for me, it has made me stronger. I remind myself of my accomplishments rather than my downfalls (of course these do come into play because I do need to be accountable for actions that are not right) and knowing that I do make progress is a constant reminder and reinforcer, that I can do it. I am also reminded though that I need to listen to my body and my mind, because sometimes I am not ready, but that is ok. Sometimes I just need a break, to clock out. And I hope that if you are in this situation that you are gentle on yourself, because we all grow in different areas, at different speeds and need extra time to recharge and regroup)
Back to my driving. I do feel a little fearful at times, but I remind myself that all I can do is pray, remain focused (on the road) and of course that my life is in the Hands of 'someone' far greater than the universe.
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
Jump a decade on, and here I am sitting in Brisbane (on a lunch break) at the moment, having driven here from Burleigh Heads on the Gold Coast. At least an hour's drive, on a busy highway, yet not nearly as traumatised as even last year, around this time, when I refused to drive myself from Maryborough to Bundaberg or Gympie - also about an hour in travel time(and not super keen on driving to Hervey Bay - though I did). Although I feel calmer, I do still have restless nights on the nights before my drive, but I am here, and when I was offered the part-time position (which requires me to drive 2 days per week to Brisbane) I considered it and accepted it, with a bit of trepidation, but a lot less fear than previously.
As time goes on I have been forced to face fears, often not obligingly. An example being when hubby got a new job on the Gold Coast and it came to thinking about the move, it was inevitable that I would need to drive my longest (solo)journey yet (no adult supervision hahaha)... Maryborough to the more southern end of the Gold Coast, with my daugher (7), 2 dogs (luckily sedated) and the cat (sadly not sedated and much of an out of tune yodler!) Anyhow, I digress, I was not thrilled about the 4 hour plus journey (to be honest I thought we should just sell one of our cars and that would solve my problem - not any of the challenges, but I would be smiling), but my point is that facing fears and anxiety has pretty much been a lifelong struggle for me (even when I had no idea that I was in the throes of compromised wellbeing), and what I do know is that I have coped, I have faced fears, I have made progress. It was never easy, it never occurred haphazardly, there was a lot of convincing, self-talk, mental preparation and all that exhausting, yet silent and buried internal conversations. I believe that although being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, that these struggles make us unique and for me, it has made me stronger. I remind myself of my accomplishments rather than my downfalls (of course these do come into play because I do need to be accountable for actions that are not right) and knowing that I do make progress is a constant reminder and reinforcer, that I can do it. I am also reminded though that I need to listen to my body and my mind, because sometimes I am not ready, but that is ok. Sometimes I just need a break, to clock out. And I hope that if you are in this situation that you are gentle on yourself, because we all grow in different areas, at different speeds and need extra time to recharge and regroup)
Back to my driving. I do feel a little fearful at times, but I remind myself that all I can do is pray, remain focused (on the road) and of course that my life is in the Hands of 'someone' far greater than the universe.
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
Wednesday, 18 July 2018
Hope
Hope. Sometimes the only thing to hold onto, yet sometimes the thing we lose quite easily. I consider myself pretty hopeful, actually I consider myself many things, then along comes some sort of incident and I realise that what I thought I was and what I really am don't always correspond. Let me give you an example of a recent event that you will probably have heard about, as it received a lot of media coverage: The Thai Cave Rescue.
So 12 young boys and their coach go on trip to explore some caves, little did they expect to get stuck inside. Things were looking bleak as rescuers searched, rain continued to fall, water rose in the cavevisibility was low and then a navy seal diver lost his life to this treacherous situation. I distanced myself from the event. My first expectation was that if they did discover the boys and their coach, at least some of them, if not all, would have lost their lives. I preferred not to think about it. Then a discovery was made, the whole team was found, alive. Sadly, though, my hope did not increase. I was still afraid because the conditions seemed against the rescuers and I wasn't going to invest my heart into this situation. This was confirmed for me when an experienced navy seal diver lost his life. All hope was gone. That was until I sat in church and the pastor said that one of the mother's of the boys said that the only thing that she has to hold onto is hope. This tiny moment had a major impact on my perspective. And so I prayed. To be honest though, my prayers were a bit weak, because I still wasn't convinced that they woud rescue the whole team, if any of them. But see what I said there, 'I'. Prayer can deliver miracles. I imagine many people around the world were praying. Praying for everyone to come out alive. Little by little my hope increased as the team members slowly emerged. I was still plagued by doubt though, doubt that they would survive, that maybe upon exiting the cave, they would succumb to relief and their bodies would just shut down.
God uses moments like this in my life (and many of our lives, if we choose to reflect on it) to show us His great power. A rescue that seemed humanly impossible, that nature was fighting, that our human hearts were doubting and then against the odds, weeks after disappearing, the coach and the whole team of boys are rescued (alive), by the greatest Rescuer. I know that humans accomplished this great feat, but I know that God enabked them to and used this for His glory. Things looked worse and worse over the course of the fortnight, yet a miraculous outcome was witnessed - worldwide.
So, this is a reminder to me and to you, if you would like, not to lose hope, not to discount the power of prayer (even if it is weak) and the work of God in a world that often seems hopeless, helpless and human.Grab hold of hope. Put your hope in Him and know that no matter how dire the circumstances, He hears and answers (and yes, He does sometimes say no) but let your main hope in Jesus, because when you hope in Him, no matter what happens, your eternity is written into the glory of Heaven.
Thank you for reading. Until next time.
Love and Blessings, Jax xx
PS On a side note, if you want to continue reading, my hope was further encouraged by reading about Lazarus. Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. Yes, He had the power to prevent the death to start with, but more people came to know Jesus this way. More people came to Christ, became believers and followers of Christ than if He merely saved him (Lazarus) before he had passed away. God works in wondrous ways. Look for Him in the big and the small.
So 12 young boys and their coach go on trip to explore some caves, little did they expect to get stuck inside. Things were looking bleak as rescuers searched, rain continued to fall, water rose in the cavevisibility was low and then a navy seal diver lost his life to this treacherous situation. I distanced myself from the event. My first expectation was that if they did discover the boys and their coach, at least some of them, if not all, would have lost their lives. I preferred not to think about it. Then a discovery was made, the whole team was found, alive. Sadly, though, my hope did not increase. I was still afraid because the conditions seemed against the rescuers and I wasn't going to invest my heart into this situation. This was confirmed for me when an experienced navy seal diver lost his life. All hope was gone. That was until I sat in church and the pastor said that one of the mother's of the boys said that the only thing that she has to hold onto is hope. This tiny moment had a major impact on my perspective. And so I prayed. To be honest though, my prayers were a bit weak, because I still wasn't convinced that they woud rescue the whole team, if any of them. But see what I said there, 'I'. Prayer can deliver miracles. I imagine many people around the world were praying. Praying for everyone to come out alive. Little by little my hope increased as the team members slowly emerged. I was still plagued by doubt though, doubt that they would survive, that maybe upon exiting the cave, they would succumb to relief and their bodies would just shut down.
God uses moments like this in my life (and many of our lives, if we choose to reflect on it) to show us His great power. A rescue that seemed humanly impossible, that nature was fighting, that our human hearts were doubting and then against the odds, weeks after disappearing, the coach and the whole team of boys are rescued (alive), by the greatest Rescuer. I know that humans accomplished this great feat, but I know that God enabked them to and used this for His glory. Things looked worse and worse over the course of the fortnight, yet a miraculous outcome was witnessed - worldwide.
So, this is a reminder to me and to you, if you would like, not to lose hope, not to discount the power of prayer (even if it is weak) and the work of God in a world that often seems hopeless, helpless and human.Grab hold of hope. Put your hope in Him and know that no matter how dire the circumstances, He hears and answers (and yes, He does sometimes say no) but let your main hope in Jesus, because when you hope in Him, no matter what happens, your eternity is written into the glory of Heaven.
Thank you for reading. Until next time.
Love and Blessings, Jax xx
PS On a side note, if you want to continue reading, my hope was further encouraged by reading about Lazarus. Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. Yes, He had the power to prevent the death to start with, but more people came to know Jesus this way. More people came to Christ, became believers and followers of Christ than if He merely saved him (Lazarus) before he had passed away. God works in wondrous ways. Look for Him in the big and the small.
Tuesday, 5 June 2018
Hide 'n seek with happiness
People who know me may find it difficult to believe that I am an introvert, an introvert with an outgoing personality. This is a bit of an anomaly, you could say. We often think of introverts as shy, but this isn't necessarily the case, it's just us group of people who get re-energised better alone, people who need alone time to refuel and recharge.
(Here is the link if you would like to find your personality trait, this is just a short one, there are more extensive ones, so if this interests you a great deal then be sure to do a few and see if they match up and what it says about you :) https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
It does not mean we are anti-social, sociopaths or snobs; we really just need time to recover from being with people, even if we had an awesome time. It has nothing to do with the other people, it is just how we were created. For me, I know this is particularly true as I am outgoing and when I did a recent strength 'test', humour came out as my top strength (this may explain my sometimes inappropraite oubursts of laughter, one: because I see humour in many areas in life or two: because the absolute disbelief of something sometimes makes me laugh). So bringing these two things together can be a bit conflicting and confusing.
(Click here if you want to find out your strengths http://www.viacharacter.org/www/Character-Strengths-Survey - yes, it is quite long but worth it - now choose one of your top 6 and use it every day for one week :))
So, why am I telling you this? Well, you would think that not working and being home alone would be just up my alley, but quite the contrary. More than the 'needing a job' (well an income) aspect, or needing a purpose, it is that social interaction is important for most of us and according to the online course I am busy doing ' The Science of Wellbeing' https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being/home/welcome it actually contributes to making us happier. According to studies, what we think we want and what we should want or even need, often don't match up.
Recently I accepted an offer of part-time work and just that act of having a stable place to go, with lovely colleagues and students has exponentially increased the spring in my step. And so I know that I need alone time, but I am also reminded that social connection is important, even for me as an introvert. So what is my plan, well apart from recommending the amazing online course (you can do it for free - the link is in the previous paragraph) start savouring those social interactions both with people you know and (surprisingly) with those you don't, like while you sit in the train carriage, wait in line for your coffee, and other opportunities.
Moving was hard, but finding a church family, being offered some part-time contract work (with great kids and colleagues), being friendly and just going with circumstances has really helped me. Yes I still battle bouts of anxiety, yes I still stress, but I do this less and less. This course and most importantly my faith (and God's answers to prayer) have created a deeper contentment in me.
So here is to forcing myself to socialise a bit more (yes hubby, a little bit, this does not mean I am going to be 'peopling' all the time, mama still needs quiet thoughts time...just in case he thought he should jam pack our weekends), to savour moments more and to actually put into practice some of the examples from the coursera course.
On that note, I would also like to thank God for answered prayer. For providing me with a job, even though it is only a contract, only He is to thank for this opportunity...although I have been sick for a week and booked off work (much to my dismay, but I am taking it in my stride, because Jax 4.0 can't control germs and so I am simply listening to my body, listening to the doctor and using my time to grow my mind and spend time with God)
Thank you for reading you beautiful people.
Blessings,
Jax 4.0
(Here is the link if you would like to find your personality trait, this is just a short one, there are more extensive ones, so if this interests you a great deal then be sure to do a few and see if they match up and what it says about you :) https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
It does not mean we are anti-social, sociopaths or snobs; we really just need time to recover from being with people, even if we had an awesome time. It has nothing to do with the other people, it is just how we were created. For me, I know this is particularly true as I am outgoing and when I did a recent strength 'test', humour came out as my top strength (this may explain my sometimes inappropraite oubursts of laughter, one: because I see humour in many areas in life or two: because the absolute disbelief of something sometimes makes me laugh). So bringing these two things together can be a bit conflicting and confusing.
(Click here if you want to find out your strengths http://www.viacharacter.org/www/Character-Strengths-Survey - yes, it is quite long but worth it - now choose one of your top 6 and use it every day for one week :))
So, why am I telling you this? Well, you would think that not working and being home alone would be just up my alley, but quite the contrary. More than the 'needing a job' (well an income) aspect, or needing a purpose, it is that social interaction is important for most of us and according to the online course I am busy doing ' The Science of Wellbeing' https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being/home/welcome it actually contributes to making us happier. According to studies, what we think we want and what we should want or even need, often don't match up.
Recently I accepted an offer of part-time work and just that act of having a stable place to go, with lovely colleagues and students has exponentially increased the spring in my step. And so I know that I need alone time, but I am also reminded that social connection is important, even for me as an introvert. So what is my plan, well apart from recommending the amazing online course (you can do it for free - the link is in the previous paragraph) start savouring those social interactions both with people you know and (surprisingly) with those you don't, like while you sit in the train carriage, wait in line for your coffee, and other opportunities.
Moving was hard, but finding a church family, being offered some part-time contract work (with great kids and colleagues), being friendly and just going with circumstances has really helped me. Yes I still battle bouts of anxiety, yes I still stress, but I do this less and less. This course and most importantly my faith (and God's answers to prayer) have created a deeper contentment in me.
So here is to forcing myself to socialise a bit more (yes hubby, a little bit, this does not mean I am going to be 'peopling' all the time, mama still needs quiet thoughts time...just in case he thought he should jam pack our weekends), to savour moments more and to actually put into practice some of the examples from the coursera course.
On that note, I would also like to thank God for answered prayer. For providing me with a job, even though it is only a contract, only He is to thank for this opportunity...although I have been sick for a week and booked off work (much to my dismay, but I am taking it in my stride, because Jax 4.0 can't control germs and so I am simply listening to my body, listening to the doctor and using my time to grow my mind and spend time with God)
Thank you for reading you beautiful people.
Blessings,
Jax 4.0
Tuesday, 15 May 2018
Forty part 2
Today marks one month of forty-ness. I am still finding my forties, but what I can say is that I am quite enjoying the updated version of myself, 'Jax 4.0' as I like to call it. So what does Jax 4.0 mean? I am still figuring this out as I go along, but at this stage it means the relaxed, chilled, go-with-the-flow version of me. It doesn't mean not having an opinion, but more so about not stressing about things out of my control, doing the best I can with the circumstances I face and enjoying this one life I have been blessed with. Instead of getting frustrated, I will be aim to be more peaceful, calm and friendly. I notice more and more how apologetic people are when there are long waits and I imagine that sometimes these folks get some irate customers yelling at them for things they are unable to control. So my pledge is simply this for now, that when I can't control the circumstances, be it long queues, or whatever, that I embrace it. The world has enough negativity and nastiness, than for me to add to it and blame myself or others for things out of my/their control. Obviously, I will be reasonable, I do value justice, but when it simply means being friendly or polite, considering others and showing compassion and kindness, these are the areas I hope to work on and improve upon in my forties. That does not mean the sass is gone, it just means that I will try leave more positve footprints on my daily journeys and hopefully these footprints will step into the hearts and lives of those who need a laugh, some love and a whole lotta charisma. In general, I am pretty positive, but I did let stress get a hold of my attitude, and this was never helpful for my mental health (which, if you have read my previous posts, you will agree that it was not helpful for me and anyone really).
We have been blessed with one life, we have been gifted talents and we have been given this beautiful world, so please join with me in enjoying it. There will be tough times, but help me as I embrace positivity, joy, laughter and love, show gratitude, be kind and try make other people's day better rather than worse.
Thank you for reading
Jax 4.0.
We have been blessed with one life, we have been gifted talents and we have been given this beautiful world, so please join with me in enjoying it. There will be tough times, but help me as I embrace positivity, joy, laughter and love, show gratitude, be kind and try make other people's day better rather than worse.
Thank you for reading
Jax 4.0.
Wednesday, 2 May 2018
What the forty part 1
Less than a week ago I entered my forties, and to be honest I do not know where the time went. I have memories of highschool like they were yesterday, back when I thought 30 was ancient, yet now I am 40 and certainly don't feel ancient (maybe just a little less agile). 'Round-number' birthdays are considered 'big ones' and I suppose with that label, I have felt the urge to reflect on the past 10 years of my life.
My 30th birthday was celebrated in my country of birth South Africa. We were in the process of applying to move to Australia. We were desperate to become parents despite two unsuccessful rounds of IVF, owned our own home, had secure jobs and family close by. Despite some of the hurdles, we were mostly settled before deciding that we wanted to relocate to a new country.
Anyway, I digress. We have now been in Australia for almost a decade and they have certainly been a busy 10 years. We were blessed with our daughter who is now 7, I have experienced a variety of eductional settings, which I believe contribute to my understanding and empathy for our young people. Furthermore, I completed a Master of Education focusing on School Guidance and Counselling. When I write these things down, I feel somewhat better about where I am. I had this notion that by 40 I should have life figured out. We would own a home, I would be in my perfect profession and I would be pretty confident at this whole adulting thing.
As I look at these expectations, I see that I put a lot of pressure on myself (I think most of us are guilty of this) and then feel like a failure for the things I have not achieved. But then I look at the enriching life experiences I have been blessed with and realise that by God's grace, I have achieved much. I don't suppose I will ever confidently 'adult', but I certainly will take more notice of the things that have brought me to where I am. 30's certainly overflowed with blessings and experiences. Some were difficult, like leaving family and friends to move to another country, facing mental health struggles and more, but overall I can say that for the most part 30's helped me grow into present day me (Jacqui 4.0 hahaha).
30's helped me learn more about the world, it helped me realise how little I do know and how much I still have to learn. Mostly though it taught me that it's ok not to have everything figured out, not to have achieved every goal ever set. It helped me realise that life is more than a set of goals, but the journey we take from start to finish. I was a bit hard on myself initally, thinking that by 40 I should have done this, that and the other. But when I look back on the places I have visited, friends I have made, experiences I have had, they have been wonderful and rich and once again I am reminded how blessed I am, how much I have to be grateful for and that there is more to life than a set of goals. Goals are good, but I won't let them define me or let the lack of reaching them all make me feel inadequate. Here is to 'Fearless' 40, I am still job hunting and hoping to own my own home, but for now I celebrate the last 10 years and remind myself of the bigger picture - I have learnt more, grown more and lived more. Let's be kinder to ourselves. Here's to the next 40 (kaa-ching of champagne glasses).
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
My 30th birthday was celebrated in my country of birth South Africa. We were in the process of applying to move to Australia. We were desperate to become parents despite two unsuccessful rounds of IVF, owned our own home, had secure jobs and family close by. Despite some of the hurdles, we were mostly settled before deciding that we wanted to relocate to a new country.
Anyway, I digress. We have now been in Australia for almost a decade and they have certainly been a busy 10 years. We were blessed with our daughter who is now 7, I have experienced a variety of eductional settings, which I believe contribute to my understanding and empathy for our young people. Furthermore, I completed a Master of Education focusing on School Guidance and Counselling. When I write these things down, I feel somewhat better about where I am. I had this notion that by 40 I should have life figured out. We would own a home, I would be in my perfect profession and I would be pretty confident at this whole adulting thing.
As I look at these expectations, I see that I put a lot of pressure on myself (I think most of us are guilty of this) and then feel like a failure for the things I have not achieved. But then I look at the enriching life experiences I have been blessed with and realise that by God's grace, I have achieved much. I don't suppose I will ever confidently 'adult', but I certainly will take more notice of the things that have brought me to where I am. 30's certainly overflowed with blessings and experiences. Some were difficult, like leaving family and friends to move to another country, facing mental health struggles and more, but overall I can say that for the most part 30's helped me grow into present day me (Jacqui 4.0 hahaha).
30's helped me learn more about the world, it helped me realise how little I do know and how much I still have to learn. Mostly though it taught me that it's ok not to have everything figured out, not to have achieved every goal ever set. It helped me realise that life is more than a set of goals, but the journey we take from start to finish. I was a bit hard on myself initally, thinking that by 40 I should have done this, that and the other. But when I look back on the places I have visited, friends I have made, experiences I have had, they have been wonderful and rich and once again I am reminded how blessed I am, how much I have to be grateful for and that there is more to life than a set of goals. Goals are good, but I won't let them define me or let the lack of reaching them all make me feel inadequate. Here is to 'Fearless' 40, I am still job hunting and hoping to own my own home, but for now I celebrate the last 10 years and remind myself of the bigger picture - I have learnt more, grown more and lived more. Let's be kinder to ourselves. Here's to the next 40 (kaa-ching of champagne glasses).
Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax
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