To school or not to school

My daughter (age 8) often complains of feeling unwell and would rather stay at home than go to school. As a child, I was quite the opposite and in my whole school career, only missed one day of school, that was in grade 2. Despite having nasty gastro, my mom discovered me to be putting on my school uniform because I did not want to miss school. After that I did not miss another day and got a certificate in grade 12 for full attendance in high school (sadly I missed out on this accomplishment in junior school because of one day). Growing up as an only child, I loved being surrounded by people, longingly wished for a sibling closer in age (I have a half brother who is 16 years older than me, but that is a story for another time) and didn't want to miss out. That being said, I was very attached to my parents but school, home and my neighbourhood friends were a high priority for me.

So this morning, when my daughter once again did not want to go to school - her face got a bit wind and sunburnt at a netaball carnival (tournament) yesterday - I was not in the least bit surprised. This is the case on most days. She complains that she feels unwell and on a few occasions when we have kept her home, a few hours in she appears to be miraculously healed. There are definitely times when she has been unwell, but it is getting harder and harder to tell when she is actually sick vs when she is feeling a little tired and in need of a day at home to play, process and potter around, or just avoid the anxiety that school seems to place on her. We don't have school refusal (she likes to follow rules, which probably contributes to her worrying nature) but certainly school avoidance at this stage and any opportunity to miss school, leave school early or arrive at school late seem to top her list of priorities.(We are currently in collaboration with experts to help support and give us some strategies to help our little miss) 

I asked miss 8 what was making her feel unwell and her response was that she felt like vomiting (she feels this most days) and that her face was sore from the sun and wind burn.  Her response, after we discussed the uncomfortable tummy and how eating usually makes her feel a little better, she voiced her concerns, 'My face is red and people are going to laugh at me. The boys will tease me.' She is a worrier by nature and I am trying to reframe this for her by saying she is a WARRIOR (not a worrier) and can face anything in life because she has Jesus, but she is only 8 and reframing takes a while (I know this - it is by no means an overnight cure). She does not want people to look at her if she has not indicated that it is ok (funnily enough, as a baby, she did not smile at strangers, she would actually give them death stares LOL) She seriously dislikes speaking in front of her class, for fear they will judge her and laugh at her. She was laughed at once during show-and-tell at her previous school in a younger grade, so I wonder if this has contributed to it - and unsurprisingly, it was the boys who gave her a hard time. I look at experiences like this as resilience building, but for my little lady it seems to have the opposite effect and I have to adjust my ways of thinking to meet her needs rather than force what I think will help her upon her. It is a tricky balance and that is the hard part.

I believe my generation (and previous ones were too) was raised to 'suck it up'. If you were not injured or dying, you were fine. There was very little attention given to mental health and if you were displaying signs of difference, distraction or disability, you were considered weak, wacky and weird. 

The question I ponder daily though, is how do I manage this for my child? I do not want to be an enabler, letting her have what is considered 'the easy way out' but I also don't want to worsen her experiences by forcing things upon her that she is not ready for and that could potentially make things worse rather than better. One thing I have learnt about her is that she will do things when SHE is ready. She refused to crawl and walk until one day, she just did. Very lttle warning, she just decided that it was time to go ahead and do it. The same can be said about learning to ride her bicycle without training wheels or mastering the monkey bars. We could encourage all we wanted, but miss would have nothing of it, then on a day she would decide it was time and she would do it of her own accord, marching to the beat of her own drum. I love this about her. I love that she listens to her drum beat, not the one the world tries to force on her. She is at an amazing school, with awesome teachers but there are still expectations that she needs to adhere to, to march to and since she likes her own drum, marching to the beat of the school drum can be stressful for her. It's the irony of her wanting to conform and follow the rules, but also the desire to be a free spirit, navigating life on her terms at her pace. 

For now my focus is on her strengths. She is creative and kind, she has a wonderful imagination and is developing a great sense of humour. Building confidence takes time. And although I loved being at school, I feel that I put too much pressure on myself to be there everyday, but it was the only thing (in highschool) I felt I could achieve. To be honest, I didnt much like highschool, the institution itself. I saw myself as below average and one thing I could achieve (despite my terrible cold in year 12 when the doctor tried to book me off school and I refused) for a silly certificate.

Nowadays when I am unwell (like today) I stay home and rest. My physical health thanks me. In the past when my mental health has been really disasterous, I have learnt to listen and rest because, it gets worse and not better. As for my dear child, I see so much sparkle in her. She may not be at the top of herclass academically or physically, but her empathy and compassion, her creativity and imagination and her ability to ask questions about the world rather than accept it as fact shows me that she has more than she needs to go out into the world. For now we will focus on her 8 year old self and how valued she is no matter if people laugh, tease or ignore. We will use the skills and tools suggested to us and nurture that free spirit, because that is where her happiness is found. 

From me to you. Parenting has its challenges and many days I wonder if I am even doing okay at it, but I pray for my girl and that in all situations she sees her worth, she (And all of us) were after all created in God's image and loved so much that He willingly died for us. 

My prayer for you is to seek Him, to see your value in Him and to know His love despite the influences, judgements and perils this world tries to prioritise. You are so much more.We are so much more. Warriors. Kindness scatterers. Love givers. Hope holders. 

I am not sure how my little lady's schooling journey is going to go. As I mentioned, we are seeking help from experts, I try and apply what I have read or know about, but most importantly (and something I need to do more of) is to find answers in prayer, in God's Word and living those out and sharing them with this treasured little girl I get to call my daughter.

Thank you for reading.

Blessings, Jax