To school or not to school

My daughter (age 8) often complains of feeling unwell and would rather stay at home than go to school. As a child, I was quite the opposite and in my whole school career, only missed one day of school, that was in grade 2. Despite having nasty gastro, my mom discovered me to be putting on my school uniform because I did not want to miss school. After that I did not miss another day and got a certificate in grade 12 for full attendance in high school (sadly I missed out on this accomplishment in junior school because of one day). Growing up as an only child, I loved being surrounded by people, longingly wished for a sibling closer in age (I have a half brother who is 16 years older than me, but that is a story for another time) and didn't want to miss out. That being said, I was very attached to my parents but school, home and my neighbourhood friends were a high priority for me.

So this morning, when my daughter once again did not want to go to school - her face got a bit wind and sunburnt at a netaball carnival (tournament) yesterday - I was not in the least bit surprised. This is the case on most days. She complains that she feels unwell and on a few occasions when we have kept her home, a few hours in she appears to be miraculously healed. There are definitely times when she has been unwell, but it is getting harder and harder to tell when she is actually sick vs when she is feeling a little tired and in need of a day at home to play, process and potter around, or just avoid the anxiety that school seems to place on her. We don't have school refusal (she likes to follow rules, which probably contributes to her worrying nature) but certainly school avoidance at this stage and any opportunity to miss school, leave school early or arrive at school late seem to top her list of priorities.(We are currently in collaboration with experts to help support and give us some strategies to help our little miss) 

I asked miss 8 what was making her feel unwell and her response was that she felt like vomiting (she feels this most days) and that her face was sore from the sun and wind burn.  Her response, after we discussed the uncomfortable tummy and how eating usually makes her feel a little better, she voiced her concerns, 'My face is red and people are going to laugh at me. The boys will tease me.' She is a worrier by nature and I am trying to reframe this for her by saying she is a WARRIOR (not a worrier) and can face anything in life because she has Jesus, but she is only 8 and reframing takes a while (I know this - it is by no means an overnight cure). She does not want people to look at her if she has not indicated that it is ok (funnily enough, as a baby, she did not smile at strangers, she would actually give them death stares LOL) She seriously dislikes speaking in front of her class, for fear they will judge her and laugh at her. She was laughed at once during show-and-tell at her previous school in a younger grade, so I wonder if this has contributed to it - and unsurprisingly, it was the boys who gave her a hard time. I look at experiences like this as resilience building, but for my little lady it seems to have the opposite effect and I have to adjust my ways of thinking to meet her needs rather than force what I think will help her upon her. It is a tricky balance and that is the hard part.

I believe my generation (and previous ones were too) was raised to 'suck it up'. If you were not injured or dying, you were fine. There was very little attention given to mental health and if you were displaying signs of difference, distraction or disability, you were considered weak, wacky and weird. 

The question I ponder daily though, is how do I manage this for my child? I do not want to be an enabler, letting her have what is considered 'the easy way out' but I also don't want to worsen her experiences by forcing things upon her that she is not ready for and that could potentially make things worse rather than better. One thing I have learnt about her is that she will do things when SHE is ready. She refused to crawl and walk until one day, she just did. Very lttle warning, she just decided that it was time to go ahead and do it. The same can be said about learning to ride her bicycle without training wheels or mastering the monkey bars. We could encourage all we wanted, but miss would have nothing of it, then on a day she would decide it was time and she would do it of her own accord, marching to the beat of her own drum. I love this about her. I love that she listens to her drum beat, not the one the world tries to force on her. She is at an amazing school, with awesome teachers but there are still expectations that she needs to adhere to, to march to and since she likes her own drum, marching to the beat of the school drum can be stressful for her. It's the irony of her wanting to conform and follow the rules, but also the desire to be a free spirit, navigating life on her terms at her pace. 

For now my focus is on her strengths. She is creative and kind, she has a wonderful imagination and is developing a great sense of humour. Building confidence takes time. And although I loved being at school, I feel that I put too much pressure on myself to be there everyday, but it was the only thing (in highschool) I felt I could achieve. To be honest, I didnt much like highschool, the institution itself. I saw myself as below average and one thing I could achieve (despite my terrible cold in year 12 when the doctor tried to book me off school and I refused) for a silly certificate.

Nowadays when I am unwell (like today) I stay home and rest. My physical health thanks me. In the past when my mental health has been really disasterous, I have learnt to listen and rest because, it gets worse and not better. As for my dear child, I see so much sparkle in her. She may not be at the top of herclass academically or physically, but her empathy and compassion, her creativity and imagination and her ability to ask questions about the world rather than accept it as fact shows me that she has more than she needs to go out into the world. For now we will focus on her 8 year old self and how valued she is no matter if people laugh, tease or ignore. We will use the skills and tools suggested to us and nurture that free spirit, because that is where her happiness is found. 

From me to you. Parenting has its challenges and many days I wonder if I am even doing okay at it, but I pray for my girl and that in all situations she sees her worth, she (And all of us) were after all created in God's image and loved so much that He willingly died for us. 

My prayer for you is to seek Him, to see your value in Him and to know His love despite the influences, judgements and perils this world tries to prioritise. You are so much more.We are so much more. Warriors. Kindness scatterers. Love givers. Hope holders. 

I am not sure how my little lady's schooling journey is going to go. As I mentioned, we are seeking help from experts, I try and apply what I have read or know about, but most importantly (and something I need to do more of) is to find answers in prayer, in God's Word and living those out and sharing them with this treasured little girl I get to call my daughter.

Thank you for reading.

Blessings, Jax

Proud to be a prude - there is a fine line between entertainment and immorality

We seem to live in a society where it is more socially acceptable and expected to be nude, rude and crude, rather than a prude. Well, today I am coming out as a prude, owning it and proud to be it.

A friend from Maryborough visited on the weekend and she is a bit of the 'adventurous' sort. She organises things and enjoys getting out and about, so when she suggested her and I go to Dracula's on the Gold Coast I was sceptical but agreed to it. In my naivety however, I was expecting more of a Rocky Horror style Cabaret with vampires scaring me. I am known to be jumpy and get frights easily (I had to stop watching 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' in my late teenage years as it gave me nightmares, lots of them) but decided that since I am now 40, I should really be a little more daring. My idea of Dracula's was that people would jump out and scare me, there would be zombie type songs and a few scares along the way - so I didn't research it, I just assumed (mistake number one) that it was a show as far as shows go. You know, entertaining, funny some talent and all that jazz.

After the tickets were booked I told my ladies Bible study group and they said they had heard it was a bit dodgy and my work colleagues said the same. I was feeling a little nervous but thought that this is a show people rave about (that is all I knew of the show) and if it is for the public, it can't be that bad. I was wrong...

We arrived and were greeted by 'deathly' looking beings who were intentionally rude to create the atmosphere of <insert spooky music here> fear. Since I don't want to be sued for giving away what happened, the room and the ghost train ride were as I expected, a bit on the scary side, like make you jump. The next part blew my expectations to smithereens. Nude, rude, crude - that hardly even describes it. The show began with some singing, dancing and some inappropriate sexual jokes. Already, I felt uncomfortable but I thought that it may just be the start and that it would improve. I was wrong. Again. It went from crude to cruder and I went from prude to pruder. As I ate my meal I tried to close my eyes and ears to the blasphemy that pierced my soul. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I needed to get out of there, but I felt bad as my friend had organised it and I didn't want her to leave on my behalf. It took a while before the official show called 'Nine Pints' began. The show was divided into 9 sections, i.e, 9 pints. I didn't even make it through all of the first 'pint'. A person in headgear in the shape of a sperm danced onto the stage. That was it for this old prude. I just couldn't stay and be attacked by vulgarity so opposed to my faith, so I got up and left, but not before praying for the people in that room. My friend popped out after act 1 finished to see if I was ok. I told her that she should stay if she pleased and not leave because of me, but she left with me and also informed me that after I left, big blow up 'private parts' (I did have the scientific names here, but apparently I am  too much of a prude to even have those words on my blog and removed them...) emerged onto the stage...I am glad I left when I did (though earlier would have been even better...)

While sitting there amidst this 'attack', God's spirit in me grew stronger and louder. I fought it and convinced myself that it would okay and that I would survive the show, but the power grew stronger and my mind was playing some scripture through my mind. First I was thinking of Philippians 4 v 8 and the words '...whatever is pure, whatever is lovely...if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.' Nothing about this was pure or lovely. I was then playing Sunday's church messsage (as we work through the book of Ephesians) over in my mind. Ephesians chapter five, in particular, was looping in my thoughts, like a record stuck, particularly in verse 4 where it says 'Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place,' it basically then goes on to say that these acts will have no inheritance in the Kingdom of Christ and God. I do not think it coincidence that the message at church on Sunday would literally convict me and strengthen me when this darkness was looming and trying to envelope me. 'Walk as children of the light' the Spirit was reminding of this passage again and again. I tried to squash it, ignore it and hoped it would go away, but it didn't. Finally I prayed for courage to be obedient to my holy convictions, and immediately, my legs stood up and marched me out of that place.

I may be a prude, but more so I am a follower of Jesus. The price He paid for me is eternal, no amount of money or critical opinions matter. It is hard being a human and being fearful of being judged by others, but I am being transformed. I make mistakes and sin and fall short, but I am being created after the likeness of God, learning to walk in love and holiness learning from the most loving sacrifice of all all, the greatest gift of all. My human nature will let me down, but with His strength and in obedience to Him, I will perservere to walk as a child of the light, filled with the Spirit and living loud for my Lord.

Thank you for reading.
Choose light and be blessed,
Much love,
Jax

Choose happy

Since I last wrote a fair bit has happened. We bought our first Aussie home after being in this wonderful country for 10 years, of course with buying came packing and moving. Needless to say it has been quite a busy start to the school year, with moving around mid-term, work responsibilties and all those other things that go with 'adulting' these days. I put off writing in these busy times, not because I don't want to write, but because writing makes me happy and I therefore want to relish rather than rush these times where I can allow my thoughts to escape onto the screen and enjoy time spent reflecting and recharging.

Anyhow, enough with the waffle and onto recent reflections. Have you ever heard of the  'International Day of Happiness?' I heard of it for the first time a few weeks ago through my interactions on LinkedIn. Surprisingly for me, it was first celebrated in 2013 - six years ago, yet I only encountered it this year. It was conceptualised and founded by a United Nations special advisor to advance global happiness. A great, yet kind of sad concept. I love the idea of spreading happiness, of actively and intentionally choosing happy - because to be honest, my default doesn't always naturally revert to happy, it goes somewhere between lethargic, cranky or 'meh'. So a reminder to choose happy is important, but 'International Day of Happiness' goes beyond just individual happiness. 2019's theme is 'Happier together, focusing on what we have in common, rather than what divides us,' in other words celebrating our common humanity.

Overall, this is a geat pledge to 'try and create more happiness in the world around me.' I guess what saddens me though, is that we have to be reminded of this, we need a day to remember to actively choose happiness and share happiness. And despite our efforts, we look around and see tragedy, not happiness. Just last week the shootings in Christchurch shows hatred rather than happiness, it shows a rift in common humanity; in love, kindness, gratitude and acceptance. In short, I love all things positive and happy, celebrating happiness seems fitting for a person who is interested in education, wellbeing and positivity. My faith, however, goes a step further and reminds me to love God, to love people and to ultimately deepen happiness into joy, joy that is only found (for me) in Jesus. As a human race, we do need that reminder to choose happy, to be positive and to spread cheer and even more so, we also need to realise that evil is part of our world and where we can change our attitude we should, I need to remind myself daily that I can control a certain percentage of my responses and that I too can actually take the focus off myself (and my self-centredness) to check in, serve, support, care for and love others, because no act of kindness is wasted. And being grateful, grateful for the blessings in our lives, things that we often take for granted, we need to take time to consider our many blessings and this may also contribute to our happiness.

If you are reading this and want to know why I am a Christian or what being a Christian means to me, feel free to ask. I love understanding how and why the world works the way it does and would happily answer any questions as best I can. I have also copied an email I sent out to my school colleagues yesterday. I have the privilege of working at a Christian school and can openly write about such matters.

Thank you for reading,
Blessings, Jax

PS if you have any suggestions for blog posts or want me to write about something feel free to comment :)

Here is the email transcript:

Hi everyone,

 

I hope this email finds you well.

 

Today (Wednesday) is International Day of Happiness, and 2019’s theme is “Happier Together: Focusing on what we have in common rather than what divides us.” 

 

As followers of Christ we have joy that exceeds simple happiness, but life still happens and sometimes our joy is clouded by the reality of tragedy that we as humans suffer. So, whilst a day for happiness may seem secular in nature (and a bit sad that the human race needs a day to be reminded to be happy), perhaps we could go one step further. May I encourage us as a staff to choose to be positive, choose to spread happiness and ultimately to rejoice in our greatest joy, our Lord and Saviour Jesus. In our world, as we heard at the start of the term, sin is the rule and grace is the exception. Let’s be the exception.

Let us spread happiness and support in our community. A small act of kindness goes a long way to bring a smile. Contact a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while, write a thoughtful note of encouragement or <gasp> cover a colleague's duty if they appear to be having a rough day.  Let's also lift one another up in prayer, and focus on our commonalties; loving Jesus, loving one another and loving our wonderful school community.

Let us spread some cheer, be the reason someone smiles and appreciate all things big and small. Happiness is a choice to be positive. Choose happiness. Choose to be the reason somebody smiles today and every day and if you are struggling to find 'your happy' be sure to chat to someone and pray for comfort only the Creator can provide.

Blessings and smiles,

Jacqui

Hebrews 13.16: Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Nehemiah 8.10: And do not be grieved for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

James 5.13 IS anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise

Philippians 4.4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.

#keen2019

Hello hello. It certainly has been a while, but apart from a few emotional hiccups  late last year, the end of the school year was hectic, followed by me having some minor surgery (all is well) and my parents visiting from South Africa. In a blink, the holidays are over and tomorrow is back to school for staff and students.

Firstly let me say how I have missed blog-therapy. I do love tapping away on my keyboard frolicking in my thoughts (sometimes I wallow, sometimes I frolick L.O.L), though I was very cautious in my tumultuous time, because I can over-react and although blogs can be deleted, what is read can't be un-read and I want this platform to be a positive place, a place where despite facing challenges, they are overcome, risen above and experienced with the attitude of learning and growing. Anyway, right now I am in a good mental space. Well, I do feel a little unsettled. I feel unsettled at the start of every new term and a little more so at the start of a new year. This has been the case since I was in school and I especially apologise to my husband who has had to endure some crankiness from me, stemming from my nervous excitement today. Other than that though, I am positive and prepared for 2019 - #keen2019. Though I can't know what this year holds, I can know that I have the choice in how I respond to it.

I choose positivity, I choose kindness and as always, I choose Jesus. There will no doubt be some mistakes along the way, but there always are and it's how we choose to respond. Over the holidays I had the privilege following a blog that was/is nothing short of miraculous so if you have the chance to have a read the story of one mum's story of nearly losing her child, the way she chose to respond and the great and miraculous saving grace of God, check out this link about a tragic accident, an apparently hopeless situation and faith  https://www.jacimungavin.com/blog

Until next time,
Love you all, Jax xx

An update...

Thank you for reading my last post, thank you for all your kind thoughts and comments and most of all, thank you for encouraging me and loving me despite this companaion that travels uninvited along with me. Here is an update from last time, if you are keen to follow :)

Although every fibre of my being did not want to go to the doctor, I know myself and know that in avoiding doing so I would stress myself out more and eventually end up there anyway, possibly in a worse state than I was in. I bit the bullet, sucked it up (and finally got out of my pjs) and saw my GP. Poor guy, he has not seen this me yet (my doctor in Maryborough knew me well and was the first one on the trail of insisting I get some mental help) but he was really understanding and concerned. He suggested I up my meds dosage and see a psychologist. I am not too thrilled about increasing my dose, but I guess it is worth a shot and as he said, I can reduce them again in a few months once things have settled. The side effects have been a bit unpleasant, with some nausea and unexpected tears, but I feel good that there is a plan and that gives me some sense of hope and relief.

I also saw a psychologist. She is lovely. A vibrant soul, with a sincere hearty laugh. Although she does not share my faith, she knows how much I value it and is incorporating it into our sessions moving forward. One first bit of homework for her is writing a letter to God. I have started and am on page 3 already - clearly I have a lot to say. It is strange that I have never thought to do this before, because praying versus writing a letter is totally different. I feel a little nervous about writing it though, that I might say something I regret but I know God knows what I feel without me even writing a letter. So far this exercise is revealing a lot about me to me (who knew?!).

On that note, I think I will leave you. Please know that if I am aloof, or distant, it is likely my medication or my current state, which is a little detached from my mind and body. My mind wanders a lot, I feel tired much of the time, I lack focus and my concentration is shocking. I can't always find words to use but know that I have been blessed with a sense of humour and even when things get pretty wobbly, my sense of humour rescues me time and time again. Here is to laughter, even when things are tough, seeing the funny side prevails.

Love you all,
Jax

I.don't.want.to.

Four simple words that describe how I feel when anxiety/depression squeeze their claws into me after a while of 'smoothe sailing'. Every fibre of my being does not want to do anything, especially those things that involve getting dresssed and leaving the house. It is such a strange feeling to describe, so intense and so confusing. The desire to cry, scream, punch or just melt into a blanket all co-exist, resulting in a panic of sorts. My skin itches, I feel shaky inside and outside. The brain can't focus and the mind is in a faraway land, motivation is a distant memory and trying to do anything remotely constructive is an exhausting thought. From hindsight, I know that once I do leave the house and, say go to work, that my well-rehearsed social side will kick in and mask over the inner torment, and that I will actually have quite a pleasant time. But in the moment of trying to get out the door, or when I am not working to do anything that requires some thought, I feel myself taking deeper breaths, filling time idly with naps or searches on the internet to avoid the 'pressure' within.

If I take a step back, I can actually notice a slow decline leading to this place, this unwelcome and annoying place :the disturbed sleep, weirder dreams, the brain fog, the crankiness. In amidst prayer, avoidance, and frustration, I know that I will get through this. I have in the past, and I will again. It's just a matter of when and how long it will take...

It's okay to not be okay, but don't suffer in silence. In my case, a visit to the doctor is in order to check my meds or just have a check up - apparently they can loose their effectiveness which can result in a relapse. I don't want to go, I want to stay in my pyjamas all day and ignore this whole affair, but adulting has become a set of preconstructed steps that I need to follow (it's just in my nature - if it is on my mind now, I need to do it now for fear of forgetting or worrying more - and that my friends feeds the darkness, the worry, the feelings of inadequacy, the pretending that everything is hunky dory). I am hoping it is just a little hiccup related to some stressors that I internalise, and avoid.

So,  I don't want to, but I do. That right there reminds me that somewhere inside this silent tornado, a ray of strength exists. I have adapted, acted and rehearsed many a performance to present to the world, to hide this creature within. So, now I choose to expose it and share it in hopes that someone else out there won't feel so alone or marginalised. I know where my strength comes from, and at times I forget this or downplay it, but it could be worse and I remind myself of the many blessings I have. Reason can often disappear in the depths of despair, but but remind yourself that you are strong, you are courageous and that you can get through this. Don't ignore or avoid it, speak it, get help and know that things will get better.

IT has been a while and I apologise for the 'blueness' of this post, hopefully next time, the sparklier me will be back.


Thank you for reading,
Jax

PS I just had a quick squiz at my post 'Blue Monday' and am reminded of my ostrich syndrome and that I was here earlier in the year and will climb that mountain, when my energy decides to return...

Driving miss Crazy.

If you told me this time last year that I would be living on the Gold Coast and commuting to Brisbane (solo) for work, I would not have believed you. Driving is not my favourite past-time, particularly longer distances and highways. I remember when I first really started noticing that my wellbeing was compromised by having to drive to work on the highway. It was probably only a 15 minute commute, but driving often scared me and more so in South Africa, where very little regard for road rules is the norm. Along with my sleeplessness (probably anxiety and fear related though I was still unaware), I wallowed in thoughts of despair and death, convinced each morning that that would be my last day, that I would inevitably have an accident and perish. The more stressed I became (teaching 29 out of 30 lessons a week does that to a person) the more compromised my thoughts were, let alone the other constant fears as a person (particularly a woman) in South Africa - rape, break ins, hijackings and muggings to name a few. My fears meshed together into a treacherous tornado, creating a traumatised, sleep deprived, angry, worried, dysfunctional person, and I used any remaining energy to hide it from the world and ignore it at a superficial level.

Jump a decade on, and here I am sitting in Brisbane (on a lunch break) at the moment, having driven here from Burleigh Heads on the Gold Coast. At least an hour's drive, on a busy highway, yet not nearly as traumatised as even last year, around this time, when I refused to drive myself from Maryborough to Bundaberg or Gympie - also about an hour in travel time(and not super keen on driving to Hervey Bay - though I did). Although I feel calmer, I do still have restless nights on the nights before my drive, but I am here, and when I was offered the part-time position (which requires me to drive 2 days per week to Brisbane) I considered it and accepted it, with a bit of trepidation, but a lot less fear than previously.

As time goes on I have been forced to face fears, often not obligingly. An example being when hubby got a new job on the Gold Coast and it came to thinking about the move, it was inevitable that I would need to drive my longest (solo)journey yet  (no adult supervision hahaha)... Maryborough to the more southern end of the Gold Coast, with my daugher (7), 2 dogs (luckily sedated) and the cat (sadly not sedated and much of an out of tune yodler!) Anyhow, I digress, I was not thrilled about the 4 hour plus journey (to be honest I thought we should just sell one of our cars and that would solve my problem - not any of the challenges, but I would be smiling), but my point is that facing fears and anxiety has pretty much been a lifelong struggle for me (even when I had no idea that I was in the throes of compromised wellbeing), and what I do know is that  I have coped, I have faced fears, I have made progress. It was never easy, it never occurred haphazardly, there was a lot of convincing, self-talk, mental preparation and all that exhausting, yet silent and buried internal conversations. I believe that although being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, that these struggles make us unique and for me, it has made me stronger. I remind myself of my accomplishments rather than my downfalls (of course these do come into play because I do need to be accountable for actions that are not right)  and knowing that I do make progress is a constant reminder and reinforcer, that I can do it. I am also reminded though that I need to listen to my body and my mind, because sometimes I am not ready, but that is ok. Sometimes I just need a break, to clock out. And I hope that if you are in this situation that you are gentle on yourself, because we all grow in different areas, at different speeds and need extra time to recharge and regroup)

Back to my driving. I do feel a little fearful at times, but I remind myself that all I can do is pray, remain focused (on the road) and of course that my life is in the Hands of 'someone' far greater than the universe.

Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Jax