An update...

Thank you for reading my last post, thank you for all your kind thoughts and comments and most of all, thank you for encouraging me and loving me despite this companaion that travels uninvited along with me. Here is an update from last time, if you are keen to follow :)

Although every fibre of my being did not want to go to the doctor, I know myself and know that in avoiding doing so I would stress myself out more and eventually end up there anyway, possibly in a worse state than I was in. I bit the bullet, sucked it up (and finally got out of my pjs) and saw my GP. Poor guy, he has not seen this me yet (my doctor in Maryborough knew me well and was the first one on the trail of insisting I get some mental help) but he was really understanding and concerned. He suggested I up my meds dosage and see a psychologist. I am not too thrilled about increasing my dose, but I guess it is worth a shot and as he said, I can reduce them again in a few months once things have settled. The side effects have been a bit unpleasant, with some nausea and unexpected tears, but I feel good that there is a plan and that gives me some sense of hope and relief.

I also saw a psychologist. She is lovely. A vibrant soul, with a sincere hearty laugh. Although she does not share my faith, she knows how much I value it and is incorporating it into our sessions moving forward. One first bit of homework for her is writing a letter to God. I have started and am on page 3 already - clearly I have a lot to say. It is strange that I have never thought to do this before, because praying versus writing a letter is totally different. I feel a little nervous about writing it though, that I might say something I regret but I know God knows what I feel without me even writing a letter. So far this exercise is revealing a lot about me to me (who knew?!).

On that note, I think I will leave you. Please know that if I am aloof, or distant, it is likely my medication or my current state, which is a little detached from my mind and body. My mind wanders a lot, I feel tired much of the time, I lack focus and my concentration is shocking. I can't always find words to use but know that I have been blessed with a sense of humour and even when things get pretty wobbly, my sense of humour rescues me time and time again. Here is to laughter, even when things are tough, seeing the funny side prevails.

Love you all,
Jax

I.don't.want.to.

Four simple words that describe how I feel when anxiety/depression squeeze their claws into me after a while of 'smoothe sailing'. Every fibre of my being does not want to do anything, especially those things that involve getting dresssed and leaving the house. It is such a strange feeling to describe, so intense and so confusing. The desire to cry, scream, punch or just melt into a blanket all co-exist, resulting in a panic of sorts. My skin itches, I feel shaky inside and outside. The brain can't focus and the mind is in a faraway land, motivation is a distant memory and trying to do anything remotely constructive is an exhausting thought. From hindsight, I know that once I do leave the house and, say go to work, that my well-rehearsed social side will kick in and mask over the inner torment, and that I will actually have quite a pleasant time. But in the moment of trying to get out the door, or when I am not working to do anything that requires some thought, I feel myself taking deeper breaths, filling time idly with naps or searches on the internet to avoid the 'pressure' within.

If I take a step back, I can actually notice a slow decline leading to this place, this unwelcome and annoying place :the disturbed sleep, weirder dreams, the brain fog, the crankiness. In amidst prayer, avoidance, and frustration, I know that I will get through this. I have in the past, and I will again. It's just a matter of when and how long it will take...

It's okay to not be okay, but don't suffer in silence. In my case, a visit to the doctor is in order to check my meds or just have a check up - apparently they can loose their effectiveness which can result in a relapse. I don't want to go, I want to stay in my pyjamas all day and ignore this whole affair, but adulting has become a set of preconstructed steps that I need to follow (it's just in my nature - if it is on my mind now, I need to do it now for fear of forgetting or worrying more - and that my friends feeds the darkness, the worry, the feelings of inadequacy, the pretending that everything is hunky dory). I am hoping it is just a little hiccup related to some stressors that I internalise, and avoid.

So,  I don't want to, but I do. That right there reminds me that somewhere inside this silent tornado, a ray of strength exists. I have adapted, acted and rehearsed many a performance to present to the world, to hide this creature within. So, now I choose to expose it and share it in hopes that someone else out there won't feel so alone or marginalised. I know where my strength comes from, and at times I forget this or downplay it, but it could be worse and I remind myself of the many blessings I have. Reason can often disappear in the depths of despair, but but remind yourself that you are strong, you are courageous and that you can get through this. Don't ignore or avoid it, speak it, get help and know that things will get better.

IT has been a while and I apologise for the 'blueness' of this post, hopefully next time, the sparklier me will be back.


Thank you for reading,
Jax

PS I just had a quick squiz at my post 'Blue Monday' and am reminded of my ostrich syndrome and that I was here earlier in the year and will climb that mountain, when my energy decides to return...