Droplets of me

Some of you may know this about me, some may not, but my mental health is something of a zigzag. I have always experienced some sort of anxiety, but never really put a name to it, or paid much attention to it, I kind of just glazed over it and ignored it. From a young age though, I remember being melodramatic. If my parents got home even just a few minutes after the time they said they would be (or were late to collect me from school), I would panic. I was an instant orphan. I remember telling a friend (sorry Sarah, did I actually ever tell you this...please forgive me) that I fell asleep and so I didn't turn up at a party I promised her I would be at. I was dressed, I lay on my bed and I just could not get myself to go. I do not know what made me afraid, but it was fear that stopped from going. I did end up falling asleep from sheer overwhelming exhaustion. Some of you reading this may find this a little strange because I am actually pretty friendly and appear to be quite social, and do okay in crowds. But deep down inside I am regretting my every word, then my every word increases as I get more anxious and my brain keeps telling my mouth to stop, but it doesn't it just moves all the more frantically, leaving me overthinking every word I said. I wonder to myself what may have been misread and just generally driving myself crazy with either thinking I misrepresented myself or offended someone.

I did occasionally go to high school parties, that was probably one of the only ones I missed, who knows why? And it never really dawned on me until recently when I have looked over my past to see  if anxiety has been with me for longer than I thought. I do remember going to another friends party and hiding in the bathroom for much of the night. After the third boy asked me to go for a walk outside with him (and turning them all down) I decided to hide. I wasn't going to waste my first kiss on some random fella.  I liked another boy who was going to meet me at the party (he did turn up, looked for me but I was nowhere to be found only to leave - I was hiding in the bathroom...)

The dreams were probably one of the worst aspects at that time though.  That feeling that someone was sitting on my chest, stopping my breathing and holding me down scared me the most. I had this notion that the devil's spirit was trying to suffocate me and it terrified me. I would wake up in a panic from nightmares, dreams of being chased. Dreams still haunt me, they are improving (well I go through patches), but I often find myself running, dressed in camouflage, facing all sorts of terrors from bombs on aeroplanes to squeezing down very tiny pipes in an escape from the enemy. There are often guns, bombs that cause me to wake up with painful goosebumps spread over my body. I know they aren't real and am better equipped to calm myself down, but still these layers of dreams, repeated places with different stories still creep around the depths of my brain.

I really have no idea why I am telling you all this. I could quite potentially destroy my reputation. But, this is me and each day is a new day. At the start of 2015 things got off to a bad start. I felt fear, dread and despair most days, yet everything was great. I had a new job that I loved, my students were pretty awesome, my daughter was in kindy, and since I was only working part-time I got to spend 2 days of the week with her. But throw together a new job, your child starting in a new environment, studying and then bam, it gets a bit much. It took about 6 months for me to realise that I was heading on a downward path. The panic attacks became more frequent, night terrors also increased. A major meltdown and I knew I needed help. It took a while for things to start getting better again, finding the right medications and doses. But getting help was the best thing I could do. Stress is a funny thing, up to a point it can help us, but then with a click of your fingers stress causes anxiety to become heightened, this lead me down to anger and depression. I felt angry, for no particular reason. Just angry.

Last year was the first time I actually felt better than I had in ages. Psychologist visits, even a psychiatrist and I am coping. Yes, stress certainly plays a  major role in throwing me off my game, but I have God and although for the longest time I just couldn't connect with Him, this has changed (no doubt many prayers have gone up for me and I thank you) and the gentle reminder that in the greater scheme of things, my 'problems' are pretty lame. Don't get me wrong, for me they are a daily struggle but with perspective, I am reminded of the world beyond the 'me-zone' and have faith that all this is shaping me to grow deeper in my faith, to better understand those living similar experiences and to be a more sensitive human being, compassionate and empathetic. As I said, I do not know where this journey is leading me and you will probably get to read about some great days and not o great days, but rest assured, one thing I always have apart from my amazing Creator, family and friends is a sense of humour. In the darkest of times, I can still see the humorous side, make fun of myself (when I am not feeling too fragile) and find something to laugh about.

Look forward to catching up with you next time, might write something about perspective. Still deciding - I have all sorts of thoughts in the middle of the night about what   write, I suppose it beats them crazy dreams. Until next time, blessings xxx

The drought is over

It seems that there have been no 'raindrops' since September 2014. I do have another blog that has more posts, but I really love the title of this one and since there is only one post prior to this one, it is as if I can almost start afresh, or in the very least, start from where I left off.

I haven't really thought much about the Mars mission (see previous post) but I was quite obsessed with it. Change scares me, so a change as big as that and not being able to return to earth, wow, big decision. Anyhow, I think my obsession with the Mars mission has waned a little (but do not be surprised if it returns...I like to revisit my obsessions with new information, perspectives and so forth.)

Anyway, this blog is going to be less about Mars (maybe Mars bars hahaha) and more about general ramblings that dwell in my brain and need to escape. I take a while to process things, so this may help with that. Perhaps you could contribute and help me make sense of this journey we call life, because for the most part it seems so confusing and forever changing course. I guess that is where faith comes into it, for me anyway.

I look forward to having you along for the ride.
Blessings xx